I guess I just struggle with why she's kept something from me when we're such a close family.

I considered coming out to my mom for the longest time as a trans woman (I was assigned male at birth). She had lots of gay and lesbian friends, and she often took me to "family friendly" activities in the gay district of the city, introducing me to trans people (even if she wasn't too great with the language).

When I came out to her as trans, finally, she exploded. I was doing this to hurt her, I wasn't really trans, why would I ever want to be a woman, did I just want to be a prostitute my entire life? I gave her years to come to terms with it, but even my chosen name was, and I quote, "a violent smack in the face." To her, my transition was nothing but a plot to destroy her dreams and aspirations for me, to hurt her for some unspecified reason. She threatened to call my doctor and therapist - and, in hindsight, I think she actually did call them - to convince them I was crazy and only doing this for attention, so I'd get taken off of hormones or denied sex reassignment surgery. She told all of her friends to refer to me as male and never use my chosen name.

Thankfully, most of her friends looked at her funny and used my chosen name and pronouns., but she never got past this stage after four and a half years. Eventually, I walked out on her. I couldn't take it anymore, and she wasn't making any progress. It's been three years and I've been No Contact ever since. She sometimes calls me up, says "hi [birthname]", and I just hang up on her right then before a word is said.

The problem is, kids are astutely aware that respect for people outside of the family (gay/trans friends of the family) doesn't mean jack when it comes to people inside the family. Expectations are different. You don't have dreams and hopes for those other people, and a lot of people react violently to family members who "take away" those dreams and hopes "without permission." Kids know this subconsciously, and suppress who they are to fit in with what they think is expected of them. They don't want to lose their family. They know what happens to many kids who don't conform: homelessness.

It's a sad world, but don't feel bad about it. I'm just hoping you'll see this as a reflection of the society we live in - a society that tells us that non-conformity is worse than death - and not of your own parenting.