I'm so sorry you've been going through this. Like my counsellor said - break ups are a type of bereavement and not just for the absence of the SO, but intimacy and the future we envisioned. That's a lot! Being brave enough to risk a crippling emotional loss is not weak, it's strong. But we have to be gentle with ourselves till we ride out the grief and heal. There's no set time for these things. It once took me 2 years to get over a 2 week fling!

There have been days where I don't feel I have a future. Going back to being just me has been bloody scary. I have the freedom to do anything I want now, but I don't know what I want anymore. I have to reassess all my priorities and relearn how to experience joy in the small things. Fuck knows how long that will take!

Like you I have blamed myself. But that's me holding myself down and keeping my ex on a pedestal. In reality it's an unusual situation if all the blame falls on one person. I've had to get my friends to remind me that it wasn't all my fault. And on darker days there are strangers on phonelines and the internet.

I guess the upside of regrets is that they can be learned from... As long as an individual also accepts that they deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy! Everyone does.

I'll never have a relationship like I had with my ex. But I'm starting to realise that's good, because I don't want someone who will leave me without enough warning for me to fight. Or who doesn't offer enough straightforward communication to make changes. For me it's in those kinds of things where a lack of compatibility starts to shine through.

I doubt any of that's useful but I do wish you well. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.