God, yes. I've struggled with this for so long. It's like you have suddenly activated a self destruct sequence. Constantly, in my head, I hear the same exact phrasing: Grab a gun. Blow your brains out.

The first time I held a gun to my head was when I was 10. I'm 30 now. When I was 28, my husband of 8.5 years took his own life. I'm so conflicted because I always knew I would eventually kill myself... But now that I know what this feels like first hand, there's no way I could do this to my loved ones... But my best friend is gone and I've lost everything. If there were ever a time when I should do it, it'd be now. I can't and I won't. It's a constant struggle. This last week has been one of the worst.

Grab a gun. Blow your brains out.

Please, brain. Please shut up. I want to be happy and chipper. I love being fun and positive. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want this, but that voice is still there.

Grab a gun. Blow your brains out.

The pain I feel daily and the PTSD from everything that went down is unbearable. The flashbacks started recently. I thought I understood the concept of a flashback... Until I actually started having them. It is so awful. Its like being in a trance, time traveling, and reliving the trauma you need to forget most. Like you OP, I'm doing everything I can to fight this. I'm seeing doctors. I'm medicated, etc.

I've finally gotten to the point where I just go to bed when I hear that voice/feel that urge. I know it's a passing phase and that I don't really feel that way, so I ignore it and go to sleep.

Thank you for this post. As I said earlier, I've been having a terrible time lately with this. It's nice to know I'm not quite as crazy as I thought. Well, maybe I am but at least I have good company.