I would giggle and have the biggest smile, and send fake “voice msgs” saying things like “I’ve never done yoga before Hahaa but I don’t mind going to a class with you next week” This will make her think I’ve upgraded to a Starbucks drinking, fit yoga girl.

Then, I would get ready and be humming and singing, and put on my best fit. If my ex talks to me, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear her until she has to raise her voice and I’ll smile and reply “haha sorry, I was just focused on what to wear for this date tonight, what’s up?”

Then my ex will be salty as fuck (mission completed). Then I’ll leave the house, get in my car and go get Wendys and cry in the parking lot fantasizing about a world where I won the Powerball lottery, slept with Victoria Secret models before giving up my playboy party lifestyle at 32 to open up a small sandwich shop in Oregon where Guy Fieri reviews it on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives.