My wife hates my mom and doesn't want her to spend much time with our daughter (10mo)

What's not fair? She is her own person. She can decide what she needs out of realtionships. I think that statement is very aggressive considering that circumstance. She is her own person, just like you determine what expectations you have from relationships, so does she. You can totally disagree with her, but you can't act like it is a choice made to spite you. I think that you have some things to work out with your mom on your own, and I think that is contributing to some of this as well as to how you feel. You have every right to have your own perspective, but your wife does as well, just like your mom might have her reasons. I think you should lend some of the same benefits of the doubt towards your wife. Her intentions are no more self-involved than your mom keeping her distance- but I will say neither of them is communicating effectively.

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