Please just get off of social media for a moment. I'm literaly tired of seeing egotistic people doing things exactly you do. Let's take Hamza (a youtuber) for example. He is doing the exactly the same thing as you are but in a bigger way. Wanting to build an audience and have a following is a huge red flag to me - and honestly should be to anyone reading anything online-. This is the sad reality of self development, it has gotten to the point where some humans decide that they are semi-gods and are disregarding thier humanity at it's core. No matter what your aspirations are, they are just your built up thought patterns based on your past. You will never be perfect, don't even try to strive towards it. You are just a human, just as we all are. Stop taking yourself so seriously, you came to this planet to experience the human nature, not to be mesmerized by some musc dude on the internet who talks about no-fap and dopamine detox. Literaly so tired of this whole self-improovement trap, cuz after all it all is. If you feel like you need professional help then seek it, your little journal will only solve so much. You are unable to solve your own thinking related problems through your own mind, and that is the sad reality most of you won't accept. You either let all of yourslef go or you can nitpick every emotion you have and be obsessed with all this crap. Following your heart, taking happiness as a measure is the only way to go (and before you start, a sick mind knows it's not happy doing the things it's doing but won't admit to itself and thus creating even more unhappiness.). I haven't commented anything on reddit ever, and this is not against you, it's just my way of journaling I guess :^).