BRO. Just want to say I am almost in the EXACT same boat. Got a tentative bipolar diagnosis but realised after about 3 cycles of intense weed abuse that it was causing my mania bc it wouldn’t happen sober. I didn’t have the alcohol issue but the weed would turn me into an alter ego that actually had Uber confidence and was addicting bc of it (compared to my reserved/introverted self that craves self confidence and assurance). Im now off it completely bc I really don’t think I could survive the crash Into major depression again, this one has lasted longer than the rest bc reality is setting in and I did some stupid shit and burnt bridges/fucked around aswell.

Just wanted to share that you’re not alone my man. I don’t have much advice, but I know daily meditation really helped me relax into being at the end of the last cycle. (I also have adhd so maybe check that out, definitely didn’t help my situation). Just know that I understand the confusion/chaos this cycle leaves on the psyche and the sheer strength it takes to keep on keeping on for other people in your life. I am basically numb at this point and have to robotically simulate what I think I should be and do in any given situation because my “self” has had such a turbulent formative experience. I believe in us nonetheless. Sending love.