That being said, I would put more weight on how they react after they've fallen apart: whether they apologize and make a sincere effort to mend bridges, own their own feelings, ect... or whether they demand concessions from others, refuse to acknowledge their bad behavior, ect. I guess what I'm saying is... I agree that there were a lot of red flags here, and many of them were huge red flags... but that doesn't mean that you need to be totally gun shy in the future, and only pursue relationships that are developing perfectly.

You're right about that. Sadly, she doesn't acknowledge her bad behavior at all and has never sincerely made an effort to mend anything. Anytime she's said something in the vein of an apology, it's come with an excuse, some blame, and a lot of bitterness. But you're absolutely right that a couple of small red flags are going to be present for any person and there's a line to draw in that regard because no one and no relationship will be perfect.

Lastly, if you've learned that you need to stay sober in order to enforce your boundaries - good lesson! That's a bit different than "never have drinks when a metamor is present." Not all metamors are like Stacey... (thank goodness >< ) many of them are perfectly capable of maintaining their own boundaries, and thus are much less likely to try to cross yours. Once you've built some trust with a meta - or "potential" meta - I don't think you need to abstain from alcohol any more than you normally would.

This is a helpful insight, too. If I'm not sure of how someone will act in terms of boundaries, regardless of who they are, then abstaining is probably a good move. Once there's actual trust built, a cocktail is okay. (I still have no f*cking idea what prompted her to do that. It's bizarre and I know that I was blindsided and shocked by it, which added to my failure to assert something I'd established as a boundary beforehand.)