Hi! Another depressed internet stranger here. It sounds like you have a plan and you're serious about it, which makes this an emergency. I don't know if I could have gone through what you have gone through and still be sane, but Please don't kill yourself. We all have a day to die, but beyond that the future is unwritten, and nothing ever stays the same forever, even though it feels like it sometimes. Try to be kind and patient with yourself. That can be harder work than it sounds, but the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Bad moods and thoughts tend to perpetuate themselves, especially when you're alone. Try not to let that happen. That's the best advice I could come up with, I hope it wasn't too long-winded! Wishing you way more than luck!