Did you even read where I tried to kill myself? Where it took a lot of therapy to accept this reality of mine as it is? Where I feel uncomfortable living in my own skin? Or are you too busy trying to judge everyone to notice these statements?
Perhaps I can tolerate more than you. Perhaps I can endure suffering more. Perhaps I had a case that was manageable. Perhaps I tried to get on with my life and ignore my body. Perhaps I said daily I wish I could cut my fucking tits off to the horror of everyone around me and the confusion of my closest friends, until I realized how much this hurt them. Perhaps I just moved on as best I could and no longer said what I felt so others wouldn't suffer on my account. In the end thinking of others made it easier for me to ignore my body.
What does that matter to you though? All that matters is how you have suffered right? Look, I'm sorry this is a serious issue for you, that I did not go through with my surgery, but it isn't for me. I accept that I was born with a female body and a man's mind. I accept that I have the mannerisms, thoughts, sexual appetite, etc of a man. Even my family finally accepts it. I don't have to change my body to make me feel better, because even if I hate my body, it is the only one I have and I better damned well take care of it to make it a long time. I don't see surgery as helpful to my long term survival nor my overall happiness.
Before I had my child, I tried to kill myself...dear God how many times. I have 183 scars on my arms from cutting. I was on all sorts of meds. I had no purpose, in a mixed up body, hated by my family for being a "carpet muncher", constantly threatened and teased for looking more like a boy than girl, socially ostracized for it.
Even in those darkest of moments, I knew my life would not be complete without a biological child. I knew then I had to make peace with my body. Making peace with your body isn't hard, if you accept that there are limits to what can be done. That just because everyone sees you as a woman, doesn't mean you have to feel inside like a woman.
Was I upset I would miss out on certain things only men can do? Sure. So much so I grieved over my inability to get a surgery that would turn me completely into a man. I wept in my counselors office, begging them to find something that would make me completely a man. (To me at 14 that meant able to produce offspring). I didn't want to disappoint any future wife that she would not be able to have children you see. In the end, grieving is what I needed to do to move on emotionally and heal.
I tried like hell to be "a girl" after that. This was the corner stone of a lot of my therapy. When I broke down because I could not "be a girl" my counselor said nobody needs to know how you feel inside unless you want to share it with them. I explained my issues and she introduced me to all kinds of born female but felt like a man people that had normal lives but never went through with the surgery. I was also introduced to many that went through with the surgery and what I heard about half the time was, "It wasn't what I expected." "It didn't make me feel more like a man, but an it." "I feel like I was cheated." Of course there were many that said, "I finally am free of my body."
I was 14. I knew I would have to live with this decision the rest of my life. I also knew I could have this surgery anytime I wanted. Further, I was hoping the science would catch up with my desires. It was wise to wait.
I have a very happy and full life now even though I never had the surgery. I still get teased for how I am. People know right away that I am "different" just by how I look or act. However, it's not as socially awkward or difficult as it was. Now that I am an adult, it is so much easier to handle the feelings I have.