hey - I'm with you. the cycle can be broken though. i'm working on figuring it out.
I notice that behavior and thinking in myself. the abuser, the molester, the rapist.
i notice it and i renounce it. i have to admit that it's there. i take responsibility for it. this is my life. we choose who to associate with and live around.
we can choose how to progress as people and what to do.
we don't just take the easy road. it's hard. very hard.
but we have to do it for ourselves. we have to love ourselves infinitely and unendingly. we have to truly prove to the universe, to ourselves, that it is possible to learn how to take care of ourselves and be the ideal parent and lover of our own bodies and lives and souls and hearts and spirits.
we can do it. i have already proven that to a large degree.
the very fact that we make small changes is proof that big changes can be made.
notice the behavior that you don't like in the other, find it in yourself. remove it and transform it. do deep soul searching.
it's not going to just be easy. that doesn't mean our lives are bad. that we are hopeless and all this other nonsense.
it just means that we are going to be working on things and taking steps to make changes! that's OK. learning how to trust and trust ourselves.
that's the first step. trusting our own feelings. trusting our own anger. trusting our own irritation.
learning that our feelings are legitimate and that they are a reflection of our true inner child caring for itself. our feelings and anger are real. when we feel bad, we have to trust that those feelings are real.
we have to learn to trust those feelings and stand by them and stand up for ourselves against abusers. we have to find that strength.
it is so agonizing at first to feel so hurt that everyone is laughing at you, feeling so weak. feeling so pathetic. feeling so ashamed and frail. feeling like the world is going to eat me alive.
feeling like even admitting that i am being fucked over and that i have been tricked and abused, and that i have kept going back to it and inviting myself to it - that's so hard. it's so hard to admit that i am a victim. but not by identity, just admitting that i am going back to these people.
and there is so much to figure out there it is such a fucking hotbed of confusion.
we have to work with it. we have to go into it and face it fearlessly.
we have to be brave and couragous and stand up for that love that is in us. and not laugh at ourselves.
that trust, finding that strength, it is a process of learning to truly not give a fuck about what those people think. on a fundamental level. when you truly care about yourself, you elarn that abusers are worthless, their opinions are not anything for us to worry about.
we have to trust ourselves and take care of oureslves. abusers always try to shame and guilt and poke at our insecurity in order to try to make us come back to them. they want us not to trust our own perceptions.
and we have all these complicated webs of self-doubt in our own bodies from how we were raised and treated to lose trust in ourselves and our own perceptions. complicated undermining rituals that have made us completely laugh at ourselves, laugh at our perceptions. sarcasm, ignoring us, laughing at our needs, disregarding our needs, devaluing our emotions, devaluing our emotional experience, devaluing our feelings. devaluing our worth. undermining us constantly. undermining our desires and hopes. laughing at our hopes and wishes and dreams.
over time this has created in us false belief about who we are. false beliefs about what we are. false beliefs about our worths and our feelings. the people doing this to us deserve to have their heads removed from their fucking bodies.
yet that isn't the answer. we own our anger. we sit with our anger and know that these people are not our friends. we see them and their actions as separate from us. we dissociate and trust our own feelings. we trust ourselves. we care about ourselves. we replace their abuse and their upbringing, their words, their behaviors, with our own words. we replace them with the true parent.
this takes effort, energy, and time. we have to replace all the lessons, ideas, feelings, and treatments they gave us with the healthy treatments. we have to internalize those treatments as WHO WE ARE and as our very life. our very identity. we have to completly purge them, mercilessly and joyously. It is a JOY for us to come into health and love!
It is a great JOY, a fucking GREAT JOY to remove non-caring non-loving influence of all kinds from our souls, minds and bodies! Nothing but a joy! This is pure logic and reason! Pure caring and love. We have to remember this! Remember the JOY of finding love for ourselves, the JOY of releasing toxicity, unloving and noncaring influence from our lives.
This is pure joy. It is pure progress. Pure positivity. Pure love. Pure change. Pure energy!
We must always know that and trust ourselves and care about ourselves. When we can internalize this belief system, that going to pure love and transformation is a joyous and celebratory activity, then we can really begin to let go of the past. We can really see that it is an innately good thing to do and letting go of abusers is not an act of cosntant anger and hate, constnat bitterness, constantly wanting to kill or hurt them, wanting to "win" against them, wanting to dominate them or be able to control the situation - in fact, it is the joy of us learning how to love and take care of ourselves! It isn't about revenge or getting back at them... it is about feeling and interiorizing our own innate value and worth and love in our own hearts so deeply and purely that we simply "know" on a basic and pure, factual objective level to simply let go of these influences and people.
It is hardly even conscious, it is as though once we move into joy and love, we automatically simply drop them from our lives like dead weight. They are not something we beat - they are something we let go of. The truth is that our hate and anger toward them is clinging and that it is what makes us like them.
We can't simply skip toward letting go though - we do have to experience that anger and self-trust first. Only once we realize that joy, that idea of moving toward the joy and the joyous celebration of love, and REALLY STICK TO THAT PERMANENTLY - can we move forward!
We have to remember joy! remember love. Remember celebration. With these things we move into the light. Remember affirmation. Remember doing things right. Always look for the way you want to treat yourself, instead of looking to condemn the ways you do not want to treat youreslf. Always move twoard finding the treatment and love you wish to enjoy and celebrate and give to yourself.
Live this and be this. Live positive awareness. Live joyous awareness. Allow it to be a bodily manifestation. Live the joy of finding joy and making more joy!