Backstory: We've been together 25 years, married for 15. She's the mother of our children.
From the outside, she is the most incredible person. Dynamic, charming, beautiful. Every single person she's ever met adores her. When we met, I fell hard for that persona. Our life together zoomed upward for about about 10 years. Then, the realities of adulthood settled into our lives -- work, home, bills, children. Typical existence for most couples.
Shortly after marrying, I saw her grip on things loosen. When our life was simpler, she could fake her way through life with her charm, looks and charisma. The more complicated our lives became, the less those "skills" worked to her advantage. I began to see through it, as did others. What was once easy for her became terribly difficult. She began avoiding doing almost everything that might have consequences. The first sign of a challenge, she'd give up or run to me for help. Soon, I was basically telling her what to do in nearly every situation.
I never had a problem offering her guidance or suggestions. She's my wife, I wanted her to be happy and accomplished. So for roughly 15 years, I basically held her hand through everything. The biggest problem was that she never seemed to learn from any of my help. Instead, I became her crutch. I made all the decisions, did the dirty work for her.
Last year, it came to me just how bad things had become. I had assumed responsibility for the majority of our life. Anything that had once been her responsibility fell apart and I had to repair it and take it over. She began drinking every night. Once, while my vehicle was in the shop, I asked her to pick me up from work. She was tipsy...my children were in the car...a neighbor's child was as well. Never in my life have I been so enraged.
Of course, she promised change. It would last a day or two. I started to be more stern with her, mostly because I was stressed by her daily actions (and very often lack-of-action). My job and my mental health suffered. I stopped trusting her, and that alone caused me to be hyper-alert 24-hours a day. She'd become the least stable element of our family.
We went to couples therapy, approximately 25 sessions. She's been to private sessions for two years. In the beginning, our Therapist was taken by her, just like everyone else. He thought she was just fucking fantastic and that I must be the problem. They seemed to gang up on me at first. It took 4 sessions to finally straighten that shit out. Eventually he found issues in her past that was causing this. And they are legitimate -- alcoholic mother, asshole father. Ok, fine.
That was one year ago. She been in continual therapy and on some medications. Therapist gave her a game plan to undo the crap instilled by her mother and father. She's never really worked on it, read the books prescribed, or modified her behaviors all that much. She still drinks at night, which I stopped even mentioning. I stopped relying on her for nearly everything, as she can't be counted on.
I finally realized how colossally miserable I had become. I turned to self-loathing. Going to sleep was the only time I felt the tiniest bit of happiness.
This past weekend I was alone with my kids for two days. Wife was at a family thing. It was so much fun. I felt energized and light. My love of life came back fleetingly and it was awesome. When my wife returned home, all the good was sucked away.
This morning we agreed to separate. Problem is, I think she doesn't see how screwed up things are. She didn't seem to understand why a separation was needed. She thinks that now everything is going to fall apart, when in fact everything has already fallen.
Her lack of understanding makes me sad. I do love her. And I don't want to see her in pain or hurt. But for now, I need to be away from her; to see if I can begin to rebuild myself. I hope she steps up also.
Now, I'm at work. I'm actually happy. I'm going to the gym afterwards. I'm going to reconnect with a good friend. Then I'm going to tuck my kids in bed and head for the spare room above the garage to plan what's next.