I am also an older applicant, now in residency. My wife is in medicine as well working longer hours than I am. It's nice to have someone who understands what you are going through. Better yet to have someone who is willing to commit to a period of suffering.

My wife and I live together but at times it can feel like a long-distance relationship. Chores don't ever get done on time, we don't get to do fun family and friends events often, and we haven't been on an actual date in years (it feels like).

Yet, we still love each other deeply and have made a commitment to each other. We value the same things, we have the same goals in life (for now). We are, overall, happy. I think what helps is that we view marriage as a promise to uphold our relationship, to work toward our joint goals, and to support each other in times of need. We need constant reminders of that from the other person, but something that helped us with the guilt is accepting our own limitations. We can't always be there, so we have to make time for each other when we can and have family in the forefront of our minds when we are not working.

Do what you can. Make time to try. Keep yourself invested in the activities and people you love. And above all, get your partner on board. If they cannot understand the time demands of residency, a sit-down talk is in order about expectations on level of commitment at this time in your life. They will not know what it is truly like without going through residency. But that's your trauma, not your spouse's. After you've done your best, don't make yourself miserable and don't hold on to resentment. A relationship will suffer when things feel forced, not just when things get difficult.