I too lost a sibling to suicide. I am sorry to hear about your sister :(

I spent a weekend up at a university with my then girlfriend. I had to work on Sunday so I came home and got ready for work. I lived at home at the time and my mom came up and frantically knocked on the door. I didn't know what she said because the shower was running, so I shut the shower off and she said "J****** killed himself." It hit me instantaneously and I ran downstairs to call his wife. I got through to her and demanded I get to speak with him, still in denial. Her simple reply set me straight, "I'm sorry, but he is gone". I collapsed and just let out all of my emotion. I called my dad and told him, and I also called his best friend and told him. His best friend, also a close friend of mine, drove over and we road together to his house, which was about 25 minutes away; the whole ride was silent. I got to his house and there was an ambulance there, a cop, some family members. I remember walking right to his garage door and just sitting against it while they were investigating. I didn't know where he was but I just felt like sitting there, and later I found out, he was in there behind me. I went into a deep depression. Work gave me an extensive leave of absence and I was in bed for most of it. People tried to be there for me but I mostly pushed everyone I could out of my life. This whole thing was completely unexpected and there were no prior signs. He was genuinely my best friend. I tried to get professional help but I just felt no one could relate or properly emphasize. I woke up one day and decided to just be happy. I decided to live as happily as I could in his honor. I have week days at times, but I am mostly happy. I enjoy telling stories about him and I think about him everyday. I never interpreted what he did as selfish. I have heard people since then say that suicide is selfish, unknowingly it hits home with me. No one can put themselves in their shoes, we don't know what personal battle and struggles they're dealing with. My brother was very carrying and outgoing, but he has personal demons. I was aware of some, but not enough to the point where I ever expected this. I truly believe he kept his deepest emotions to himself to not burden anyone, which led him to his decision. One happy story that came from this was after I got back to work. I was working one day and I was helping a mother that was there with two teenage daughters. She was very nice and engaging, but her daughters were rather quiet and kept to themselves. I engaged them in conversation by asking if they were sisters (they looked similar but totally different styles and hair colors). Their mom replied and said, "yeah they're my daughters, they are twins", excited, I said "oh really, I'm a twin too!" We then started talking about my brother and them and that carried on for a couple minutes. At the time, I was talking about him in present-tense, as it was only about 4 months since his passing at the time. Eventually, the mom asked me what he did for a living and I had to tell her, "unfortunately, he passed away." I remember her jaw dropped and her daughter's faces just went blank. Fast forward a couple weeks later and the mom came back into my work and waited to work with me. I assisted her again and a few minutes in she said, "I don't know if you remember me or not, but I was the one who came in with the twin girls." I remembered her of course, and she continued on, "I just wanted to say thank you. My daughters never got along and were always fighting. They have since been inseparable and are getting along great. You really made an impact on them" It was simple but it made me happy. I sometimes feel like I took me being a twin for granted and I regret it. I truly had a lifelong best friend who had been there for me for all the years we shared together. I miss him everyday.