I desire meaningful connections. Close relatable friendships which are safe from judgement but I actually couldn’t be bothered to make an effort.

A year ago moved to a foreign country and I still haven’t made any friends. Maintaining the connection to my friend group back home feels like a chore, a disingenuous continuous grind. For no reason other than I actually don’t feel connected to them through a call or text.

I want to experience life and not be stuck in a little box but I find that inadvertently that’s exactly what always happens. I feel awkward going out and doing anything solo, like everyone is watching me and just knows that I am alone and that’s not normal for a person. It can be simple things like going to a bar or for coffee or dinner. The only time I did something solo was before my friend group when I used to go to LANs for gaming events and another when I went to an art gallery. I managed most of my social life through interactions from school or colleagues and now I’m at a job where I just simply can’t connect with any of my colleagues in a manner which would become a personal friendship. Personally, these days it feels more comfortable to spend my free time doing me, workout, clean, meditate, game. It’s a persistent turmoil, hey I should go do something and experience something and when it comes to doing it I’ll procrastinate the living fuck out of it until I’m like nah, next time.

I’ll be asked by family and colleagues what I did over the weekend or if I’ve made friends and it’s just awkward to tell them the same thing over and over and it’s makes me feel more weird and awkward because I don’t feel sad or lonely either, just awkward that I have to keep saying I’m solo and seeing their responses. At least I don’t feel that way on the surface but I could just be suppressing it or rationalising that it’s not as sad or as lonely as when you lose a connection. This whole corona thing just amplified my whole introvert/hermit vibe.

I want to be an authentic person but I don’t know who I am or what I’m striving for. I have no big ambition and have kinda just winged it my whole life, making the best of each situation presented to me. It’s worked out so far. But then there is this word, authentic, so try and put myself in all these little boxes, then get frustrated because I’m not these little boxes. I’ll try openly share with another person but I don’t want to be like a salesman and just sell the “good” stuff, I want to share the real stuff and I’ll confuse that with over sharing all my skeletons, past mistakes and perceived inadequacies and as that runs through my mind I’ll just decide this isn’t what’s good for you and shut down the connection.

Fuck. Why am I even writing this shit on the internet anyways.