I've never been professionally diagnosed with Pure-O OCD, but I'm convinced I have it.

I went through a major life change back in September, and since then, almost like a trigger, I've had these intrusive, disturbing thoughts going through my head almost constantly through the day.

These are thoughts that go against the very fibre of my character. I can't get rid of them, and for a good couple weeks before Christmas, the feelings of overwhelming anxiety got to me. I panicked because I couldn't get rid of them, couldn't do a good enough job convincing myself that this was the diseases fault and not my own. I had trouble separating these messed up thoughts from my actual values. Then I felt depressed because I accepted that these horrible thoughts were a result of an illness and not myself. I got furious with myself because I wasn't a strong enough person to fight them off. I know these thoughts aren't mine, why can't I just tell them to fuck off? Why am I guilty and ashamed of thoughts that aren't true?

I would wake up in the morning with my chest heavy and with my stomach turning. I was so nauseated because I was disgusted with myself and so deep in despair because I didn't know how to fight these thoughts. For months I didn't want to face my loved ones because I had this irrational thought that they knew or would find out that I'd suddenly become so fucked up.

Then one day I was driving, nauseated and just completely depressed. I remember wondering that if this feeling didn't go away and if I didn't fight these thoughts away, I would have to end it.

This lasted for an hour and then when I got home and cried my eyes out, I realized that I NEVER want to kill myself. I thought that nothing could ever be so bad that I would leave my family and break my mother's heart. I reminded myself that I loved my life not even six months ago, that I loved myself and was proud of who I was.

I spent the next three weeks researching CBT and even contacted a psychologist. I never ended up going to sessions, but the fact that I reached out helped. I practiced accepting my thoughts and letting them go, accepting that I think them but also accepting that I don't really believe. Occasionally I still wake up with a heavy heart and guilt that I don't totally understand, but at least now I am only plagued with this feeling for a couple minutes. I can usually talk myself out of it. It's been a couple weeks, and I've been better.

I know I started off answering the question and then ranting on about myself. But I needed to tell anyone what's been going on with me for the past six months.

To all the other people suffering a similarly frightening and disturbing situation, you're not alone. You're not fucked up, it's just an illness. Help is readily available... sometimes just reaching out to a professional alleviates some of the burden.

I plan on seeing a psychologist when it becomes financial viable for me, so that I'm not the only one coaching me through this.