I don't have many lives left.

One time I was heavily drinking with some "friends" and this girl who wanted to get with me was a recovering OxyContin addict. She gave me one of those 8mg stop sign Suboxone tabs she was prescribed, I took it even though I have no tolerance for opiates. We started hooking up later on and I began puking off the porch attached to my room. Luckily I had also taken an Adderall for whatever reason, I was a vacuum for drugs at that point with no real regard for their effects. The Adderall probably saved my life. My heart rate was non existent. I remember staring at the ceiling all night, but my mind was not there. The girl was naked next to me and had come up with her own cocktail for comfortable unconsciousness. The next day I was a mess, she seemed relatively unaware of what was going on.

About a month later, I was relatively suicidal. I was drunk by mid day and had gotten into a fight with the same girl. She left and I decided fuck it. I was crushing up opiate pills and following lines with shots of whiskey. I remember passing out and waking up and refreshing my high. The only difference being the daylight and for whatever reason the episode of The Mitchell & Webb Look playing on auto play on Netflix. I vividly remember the feeling of my heart restarting and the brightness of the daylight through the windows. I don't know how long it had stopped for but that first breath was like a scene where someone bursts out of the water breathing in a movie. The following day I was shaking like a leaf.

I was at a college party where I was helping my brother take money at the door. I have always been anxious in social situations so I showed up drunk. I probably drank a liter of whiskey. People kept giving me shots, there were kegs and a cooler of jungle juice. I just remember sauntering off to my parked car, my heart racing, my body cold. Sweat had formed on every part of me. I had no intention of driving but I knew I was going to be sick and I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of dozens of people. I sat in the car seat and puked out the door. I sat the seat back and marveled at how cold I was and embraced that this might be it and went to sleep.

There are countless less interesting times where I have drank myself to a point of alcohol poisoning. I am not proud of any of this. People are always startled when they watch me consume substances. A man almost intent on destroying himself.