Yeah, I understand. Im not sure if you read my other post, but the reason we broke up is because I wasn't too present in the past year or so. Dealing with some stupid family/work stuff that zapped me of a lot of energy. In retrospect I should have used my great relationship as a source of empowerment but instead I let it get the best of me. Cant change it now. But most of the year I was working on a deal that would enable me to get out of my work situation and move away like we had always wanted. Now, I have an opportunity to move to our favorite city in the bay area which is almost impossible to find housing, for a VERY good deal. But, I don't know if I want to move there alone. The whole point to wanting to move to this city was that it was something we would do together. I dont know anyone there and all my friends nearby are actually closer friends with her. And its close enough to where we currently live that we have a lot of memories there.

Now, my other option is to try and find work in San Diego. But if I go to San Diego then our chances of being together are slim. I realize typing this out how this sounds, that Im holding onto something that isnt there and I should just do whats right for me. But I dont think that Im holding onto an idea. I honestly believe that one day we may work out. But if I move to a far off land then thats more likely not going to happen. She doesnt know where her work is going to be taking her in the next 3-6 months. She may stay up North, or move down South. So its a gamble in that regard as well. If I stay up North she may move down South and if I move down South she may stay up North.

I should say that Im not going to be making this decision based on her. Its a secondary consideration. The primary consideration is me and my life goals, but I dont know if I want to be in the bay area or move down South. I've lived in Northern CA for my entire life, so a change of scenery may be just what the doctor ordered. But then again, I want to work in the technology and the bay area is the place for that...

So all in all, I wish I could say I have a few months and then I can hit her up and we can talk. One of us will likely be gone by then. Sure, maybe thats a good thing. But maybe its not. Im not naive. If either I or her had said, "This is it. I'm done", then I wouldn't even be thinking like this. I've dated a higher than average number of girls (before this relationship obviously), I've just never had a connection with someone like this girl and can see us planning and living a future together. Sure this may be too late, but I'm not going to beat myself up over not being ready to commit the rest of my life to someone a couple years ago. It was too soon for me, personally. This past year I made that commitment to myself, but as our relationship was declining due to me taking so long I didn't speak up enough.

If I read this not knowing me I'd probably be face palming, I hope it makes sense. I just feel like if there's any hope of reconciliation that it can't wait many months. I need to figure out where I'm moving. I'm going to have to at least give it a shot. You know the Wayne Gretzky quote. If I don't, I'll perpetually regret not knowing what would have happened. If she says no, then I'll drop it, because at least I tried. We broke up because of the person I used to be. This past year has been the biggest growth period as an adult I've ever experienced. And to clarify - it isn't like she dumped me out of the blue. Both of us saw it coming, but we didn't communicate properly during the 'downfall' to avoid the crash, so to speak.