It first happened to me when I was in 3rd grade of elementary school. I was just normally crossing the road then I thought what if I just stand still here and die. I don't know why I feel so unmotivated like studying was not my thing since the beginning. My grandma and father would hit and scold me if I got bad score back then. So I would always tell lies like "We got no homework today" or "I did well one my exam" even though I'm not. So my grades were so bad. Sometimes I didn't want to go to school but I had nowhere else to go besides of school. Sometimes I make excuse like I'm feeling sick etc... at that time my father was the only worker in my family and for him it was stressful too. He got divorced when I was very young and married to women that don't really care about him and me. So he came home drunk at 1 to 3am in midnight every day. My childhood was kind of balanced with good and bad things. The good thing was that I got everything I need? When I was in middle school my grandma passed. She was my mom to me. I actually loved her more than my parents. Not long after my father divorced and married again with someone and my biological mom began to contact with me lot more than we used to in past. I couldn't graduate my high school because of my bad grades. So I entered one college that my uncle suggested. I had no dream and goal too so I didn't really know what I wanted to be. I also had no friends in my high school and college. I was so shy back in elementary school that I didn't even talk with my classmates at all. So I always got bullied by my weight by boys there. I will just say I blindly followed my uncles words and got into college. Like usual I didn't really do well on my studies there too. Compared to my elementary school I wasn't shy at all and lost some weights then . I just didn't talk to people that much. In college, my depression got really worse. I was 16. So everything I feel was extreme. I felt so lonely, i began to have suicidal thoughts every day. Skipped class for weeks and go to my biological mom's house. Sadly mom and I don't really have good relationship. She is too cheerful and over caring while I'm here acting like emotionless, kinda careless. We always argue over little things. I hated my mother so much that I wanted to cut my wrist and show her how much I'm suffering so that she can finally understand me but no she didnt. Everytime I go to to her apartment I always want to jump off from the window. College was like hell to me. I somehow managed to graduate from the college. And now I followed my mom to Malaysia to study here again!! Again I don't have motivation and dream so studying is so pointless to me. I'm not good at anything so I fear of working I have anxiety too. But I can't always stay at home and sleep so yeah... I'm also doing same thing here... I'm so tired. Sometimes I got panic attack like if I'm going crazy. I tried to change myself countless times before but didn't work anyways. It's like in my blood. I shared my thoughts with my parents but they would always say something like "get over from it" or "don't tell us something like that again"... so I stopped since whenever they hear my lil story they would always get headaches and heartache. Now I'm 20 and suffering alone. Not sure what to do with myself. Still wondering. It's only getting worse. My mental age is like 60. I do know what to do to feel better, know what's best for me but I don't know... At this point I feel like psychologists couldn't help me. Living and breathing is just so tiring.