I feel disconnected to myself and everything around me. My boyfriend with whom I live doesn't even seem real and autonomous to me and that scares me so much, because it makes me act selfishly since I forget that he has his own thing going own. But I feel like he enables this by accommodating me so much. It's kinda lonely and he tries to alienate me from my friends (by mocking me in front of them or guilt tripping me when I'm with them and not him)

On top of that I'm in a country where I don't master the language and I'm technically a student but I only have one class this year (2h X1 a week) and nothing else to do.

I just feel empty and alone, and like I'm drifting into a really dark place. Like I've developed insomnia and have a pretty heavy depression a lot of the time.

I've been working on getting myself up and out of this by pursuing my passion and really getting stuck into it, and it was going well, I brought it up to one of my friends and she kinda shat all over it. She said that it was too ambitious (both the grad school for it and the career) and she insinuated that I was lazy since I only have one class (even though I try so hard to do stuff but my depression and insomnia often makes it impossible). On top of that we both applied to get into this theatre group, and we both got in. But despite a lot of emailing from my part the director was always really aloof with me. She told me that she's now producing their next play. I'm not usually competitive but this hurt and the way she shoved it in my face was really shitty.

I know that I may be placing too much blame on those around me and that this not fair on them. I know that it is me and only me who can drag myself out of this dark place, but my depression makes me feel like running through glue...