on the other side, good days for me are usually ruined by how good they are compared to my usual days, and how few of them i have between consecutive days/weeks of shit ones

i'm not even crying tears of joy when i have a good day and finally feel happy for once. i'm crying tears of holyfuckimnotokayidontwanttoleavethismomentidontwanttogobackwhatwasdifferentabouttodaywhatwillkeepitgoingpleasedontstoppleasebetherewheniwakeuppleasedontmakemegoback and finally don't feel the weight of what's all in my head for once

and i can't tell you how much i cling to that last line. i've found so much peace in helping others, it takes me away from my mind and admittedly, has been my ironically selfish way of living vicariously through others to feel how it feels to be helped for years

i just started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist as well as seeking help from outpatient programs at the hospital and i can't help but tear up anytime any of them make even the slightest effort to help me. it feels so fucking good.