I might get some hate mail for this, but I was the AP. For whatever reasons, after we broke up I, too, messaged his wife in a fit of rage. I completely understand the shame and regret. I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror because of it.

Please don't beat yourself up for it. Matters of the heart make us do things our rational minds would shake their damn heads at.

As far as it being the right thing to do for the sake of the other woman's husband... I dunno. IF that was your intention, which it wasn't, well, that's a tough call. One part of me feels they do have a right to know, but I think there are just too many variables that go into a situation like this for us to be able to know if it is the right thing to do. Even if it wasn't a bad thing to do (which I don't think it was), the intent was to cause pain. And it looks like that's not really your bag, so good for you.

Anyhoo, please don't beat yourself up. You were hurting and you wanted to ease that pain. There's a part of the human mind that thinks revenge is one way to make this happen.

And watch the alcohol intake. That'll just make the shame and pain intensify, and could lead to another lapse in betraying your personal values. ((hugs))