Pretty much the title: what happened (to both you and the addict) when you stopped enabling them? If your story doesn’t have a happy ending one, how are you? How do/did you cope with guilt or feeling like you should/could have done something more to “help”?
Thank you in advance for your responses. Addiction touches so many lives and yet is still such a taboo topic. Many people besides me will benefit from your stories.
Background: My (31F) mom (66F) has been an alcoholic for....well, a long time, but she was first hospitalized for it in 2009. The subsequent 12 years have included countless hospitalizations (including 5150 holds), numerous missing persons reports, more nights spent on the street than anyone is probably aware of, a couple of DUI’s....you get the picture. She has been through several rehab/treatment programs and was fairly successful with AA for a short while. The problem is she is really only successfully sober when someone is with her 24/7 to make sure she isn’t drinking and is taking her antabuse. Up until last week, she has had a faithful boyfriend (bless his heart) for a number of years who saw her through the last 7+ episodes which are incredibly emotionally taxing and pretty much all end with her going missing and ending up in the hospital. Last week she decided she was going to be an InDEpenDeNt WoMAn and left him (she has done this a number of times and no, he is not abusive in any way - this has been vetted by multiple family members and friends. She just resents the fact that she, by her own doing, has to be treated like a grown child). It seems he has finally had enough this time and has left her to her own devices rather than attempting to find and rescue her. In no more than 7 days she has totaled her car, gotten another DUI in the process, been fired from her (brand new) job, been to the hospital twice, and is currently missing after being discharged from the hospital at midnight on Saturday (don’t blame the hospital for this, she usually demands to be discharged ASAP and she has learned to not say anything that would garner her an involuntary hold). My brother and I have both generally stopped enabling her by saving her and as such are not actively searching for her (my brother unfortunately lives in the same city as her and is unwillingly dragged into things more than I; he is currently handling insurance and such with the totaled vehicles and has been in contact with the hospitals). So, ostensibly, my mom is left to her own devices this time around.
I could not tell you how many times I have braced myself thinking, “today is going to be the day my mom dies”. Even breaking into her house, prepared to find her dead. But this time, without anyone out there trying to save her, it feels even more real. I’m not concerned that I am not doing the right thing by not enabling her, but I am concerned about the overwhelming guilt I will feel if she dies because I don’t act.
I have a meeting with my therapist (who specializes in addiction and grief) on Friday but I think hearing real life, personal stories would help as well. Thanks again.