Okay, this is really messed up. Im using my mom's laptop right now and i cant focus..

I asked in r/sex, if it was possible even thought i have never kissed etc.. And yes it is totally possible, ofc.. So i don't have something very serious or uncurable, i guess. Its difficult to look into it with this laptop im using, pf.

I have brothers older than me and i can see how they are, and how they were, and im only worse. They are not doing good enough to worth living. I mean they are still living with our parents. There is no possible future for me after all. I have been blinded with hope etc, like i did in my last post with your help. And basically avoid thinking the truth.

There never was any hope for me. Not even before i was born.

I lost my graphics card only 20 min before 2016 came. And basically cant use my computer(im using my mom's laptop now..). Although i have more than enough money to buy a new graphics card. I have to buy something else, because without it, i will have even bigger problems. And there will always be something that i have to buy and i dont see when i will get a chance to buy a new graphics card. But even when i do buy a new graphics card, its only like i was sick and now that sickness is gone. Thats no improvement.

Its just that killing myself is a good thing and not a bad one. I will never be happy, that is 100% certain(best i will ever get is blindness). Its more pain and sadness in this "life" than happiness etc. In fact there is no happiness at all. Just me saying "i just wanna die", crying, begging for it, while struggling to sleep, as i do every night, for years now. Im sure i have made world records here. Anyone in my shoes would be dead years ago. The only reason im alive is because i didn't and still don't have a way to do it. But all i have to do now is buy some bullets.