Pretty much right now.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for four years, I know to some that'll seem like pittance but it's the longest relationship I've ever had, and she's the only woman I can say I've truly loved. About a month and a half ago she broke up with me at a friends 18th birthday party. I slipped out the back in tears, she was so desperate not to be the "bad guy" that she told all our friends it was mutual, everything was fine and nobody was upset over it. I was distraught. My few really close friends knew I wasn't okay but other than that most people in my life assumed I was alright, so that's how I acted, I didn't want to bring anyone down with my problems.

Soon after I went away for a week to clear my head, just a bit of camping. When I came back I had a text from one of my friends telling me he and me ex kissed on a night out and begging for my forgiveness. I gave it to him, I know what's it's like after a few to many and didn't hold it against him. But even so I've been watching them get closer and closer as time goes on, at a bbq last week another friend told me the only reason the two weren't together was because he didn't want to hurt me.

At this point after watching them together all afternoon I decided enough was enough, just because I was miserable didn't mean two other people should be too. I asked my friend to a side and told him that I still cared about her, but he was the one making her happy and he shouldn't hold back on my account.

Well turns out saying you're okay with something and having to watch it happen in front of you are two very different things. Less than an hour later they were eating eachothers faces and I felt worse than ever.

It's a week later and I feel shittier than I have my entire life. I'm watching the woman I still love and one of my friends have the thing I miss most in the world. I'm not even sure I should post this because someone I know might see but, fuck it, you asked.