I want to become something but at the same time I can't find my purpose here, for the past 9 years I've been suicidal, and I'm very close to ending my life it seems. I was a top performer in my school but in the last year's my grades just got worse and worse. I got into a university not because of what I want to do for me but of what my parents want me to do. When I was small I wanted to do hair but everyone kept barraging me to become a vet because I like animals so much so that I started to believe that was was I wanted to do and I actually don't but I also dont know what I want to do so I'm still pursuing that. My dad is extremely ignorant and that's putting it in a nice way. He is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode over the smallest thing and because of that we aren't even a family in this house. We just stay here, we don't communicate at all about anything. Because of him my brother mother and I are as close as we could be in this situation. My dad has this thing that he thinks we are plotting against him and he could never be wrong. Over the last 15 years probably I've been broken multiple times because of him so much so that I can't handle my emotions properly. When he is angry, he makes it his mission to make everyone else miserable. He took away everything I loved just so he could feel good. I'm pretty emotionless. I don't believe in worth anything. This past year at school I made no friends, I'm terrified of being close to others and opening up. I was alone an entire year. I didn't even go to school half the time the friends I do have constantly tell me things that to them would be fun y but Jesus Christ it hurts. I spend an entire morning grooming myself and telling myself today won't suck like the others. As they see me "dude wtf is wrong with your hair, shave that beard" and I take it like an idiot. At this point I am basically existing for no reason. I stopped replying to texts from anyone for the past month. I have no ambition, no purpose, no friends, no anything left in me. No words of encouragement could ever make me feel better, trust me I've posted multiple times. I have my pill bag and water on my nightstand next to me but for some reason I can never end this and it sucks. I just want to disappear.