i carry a lot of unresolved baggage from childhood trauma, and have a really dark internal side i hide from all but those closest to me. i’ve thought about going off the deep end more times than i’d like to admit, and early on considered suicide a lot.

i haven’t had thoughts of the latter in years, but still occasionally have intrusive thoughts of cracking from the pressure and violently lashing out, but refrain because i want better for my life and those i love and care for.

i think i may be bipolar or have some other behavioral disorder, because normally i’m a pretty patient and bright person, but sometimes i can just lose my temper and get really cold, almost like i become a different person altogether. when that happens i usually just give myself some room to cool down and separate myself from the trigger. i made a promise to myself that i would reach out to my friends and people i know i can trust if i ever felt i was in danger of acting on the intrusive thoughts i sometimes get.

most other people see me as pretty patient, down to earth, and pretty happy as a person overall. and it’s not like life now is all THAT bad either, there’s a lot going for me. i scare myself sometimes but then i remember “no harm if it’s in your head, as long as you keep your cool and let these thoughts and feelings pass, everything will be okay”. i’ve learned to channel that stir crazy energy into productive hobbies, like working on cars, studying history and other subjects that interest me, and working out (this one i do a lot, the release of endorphins and general feeling of well being it provides goes a long way)