What's a girlfriend to do, when my bf's daughter wants me to know her dad loved her mom?

To answer the question about what to do when she tells you that her mom and dad loved each other...agree with her. "You're right, they certainly did love each other, and we are SO lucky that they did. That's why you're here! And they both love you very much."

That's what I did the first time she brought it up 3 months ago. Her dad told me not to say that, not to encourage an idea in her mind that her parents are still in love.

She's not insulting you when she tells you this. She's little, and she doesn't understand adult relationships. She's probably got friends with married parents, and she's trying to figure out why her family looks different than their family. And, she's probably trying to reassure herself that her family is a "real" family, even though it doesn't look like someone else's family. If dad HAS introduced her to a variety of other girlfriends, she might be trying to figure out what your role is.

Her dad had a conversation with her about this after the first time. That was a doozy since she wanted to know if they still loved each other and if not why. Tried to take the Christian approach on that and say that they probably care about each other since her mommy gave her daddy her. I was told not to say that. Which is why I have taken to saying, she's special because she has so many people who love her.

She's likely trying to figure out if you're a "real" part of her life, or if you're someone temporary. If her dad has had other girlfriends become part of her life, she's experiencing some instability. While 7 months and "instant love" may be real to YOU, she has zero frame of reference for that. If her dad has had other girlfriends take an active "parenting" role in her life, then you really ARE "a random grown up in her life." That's not an insult, but it is her reality.

I'm not insulted, I'm concerned. I dont know why she brings this to me and not her parents. Figuring out her identity and her family dynamic makes sense (I hadn't thought of that) but if something needs to be done to reassure her I need to know what or how to pass it off and to whom.

It's obviously a recurring thought for her, and she brings it to me.

FYI, I'd never show her it makes me sad that she wants to focus on that. She has no idea it sucks to try to answer her with love and compassion and not screw up and say the wrong thing. Or that personally I don't want to discuss her parents relationship, lying about their love, which Im told very very quickly wasn't anything more than a tragic mistake that brought a beautiful little girl into the world. She never sees that in me. She gets love and compassion and kindness for her mommy and their relationship from me.

And I'm just a human, I get she's just little but who wants to talk about the ex, to put her on a pedestal for the child's sake, and isn't going to be a little sad about having to? Yes, of course the child comes first over my feelings, but I do have feelings. I'm a human, learning how to navigate a very tricky situation while giving them both my very best.

As for how involved his exes were in a parenting role, I'll have to ask him about that. That's a very valid point. I'm not sure that they've taken as active a role as I have, but if they did that can certainly cause her some confusion and yes, then every adult that isn't mommy and daddy is temporary, and that's unfair to her on so many levels.

/r/AskParents Thread Parent