Not being fast enough to help my dad.

At the time I didn't know what was happening. I remember it being like 5AM or something. I had snuck from my room earlier so I could sleep on the couch in the living room and watch TV, which my mom would never let me do. I remember it being really dark and being able to sorta see the light of the sun coming up. I heard the door from my parents room creek open and I heard my dad moaning. I got up to see what was happening and my dad's arm was over my moms shoulder and she was walking him to the bathroom. I remember my dad staring at me and it looked like his face was melting, an image that to this day is still burned into my brain. My mom stared at me and started yelling at me about how I need to go back to my room. I saw my dad in pain and I stood there frozen and I didnt help at all, in fact I was probably hurting by distracting my mom. I ended up running up to my room and digging my head into my pillow and trying to go to sleep. I didn't know what was happening, I was so confused. I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion and I remember being awoken by a family friends mother and she told us we have to go to the hospital. Turns out my dad had a stroke.

I remember when my 2 older brothers and I got there, my dad was wheelchair bound and his face still slanted. I remember literally all 5 members of our family just breaking down and crying when we saw my dad. We cried for a while...

Eventually the doctors pulled my brothers and I aside and the he told us that with a stroke, every second matters. That if he got here any later, and he may longer be with us but that if he got here sooner, he may be better off as well. He said we should be happy because any later and he's certain it would have been fatal. I wanted to fucking die. I could feel a hole in my chest and to this day I feel a strong sense of guilt over it and no amount of people telling me that it's not my fault can seem to fix it. If I had courage, I would have grabbed the phone and helped my mom do what needed to be done rather than being the coward that I am to this day.

My dad later passed away from a pancreatic cancer likely caused by the medication. He was always so strong but after the stroke, it felt like every passing year he was wilting away.