Thank you for the empathy and openness in that post. :)
The last two years of my life have consisted of two men, back-to-back, that were semi into me, and then explicitly stated their lack of interest in commitment, which I was ok with - largely because I actually was ok with it at first, but then got attached. The second one was particularly stressful because as I got increasingly attached towards the end, he got increasingly aggressive about dating other women. We were breaking up more frequently, until there was an event (hot mess, long story, not relevant) when it was so obvious that it should've ended a long time ago.
Like I mentioned, I've been on a handful of dates in my life and over the past two years. I just immediately lost interest in everyone. After like one or two dates. Usually after one. For whatever reason, we immediately felt non-compatible. Also, like I said, I'm bad at saying no to making out, but if I make out with a dude too early, I also immediately lose interest. It's as if I suddenly re-evaluate the situation and decide it's not for me. One guy was super into me, but almost solely because I'm in med school and he clearly had pre-conceived notions about what that said about me as a person, he was constantly referring to how he knows that I'm a genius because otherwise I couldn't be in med school...he was an extreme case, but this has happened more than once. I feel zero percent of this stereotyping coming from him (if anything, being around people who are WAY more educated/prestigious than me is kind of a norm for him). I also dated an MD/PhD student (he'd just finished his PhD), but he was on the other end of the spectrum. He was a good person, but I got the sense that he wanted to date me because he'd been stuck in lab and now really wanted a girlfriend/wanted to give dating a shot. I'm not opposed to awkward/nerdy guys, but I didn't feel like we super connected, or even that he thought we were super connected. He mostly seemed really excited just to be dating someone. Good for him, but it didn't feel right. Especially because he was constantly complaining that I didn't immediately want to make out all the time, then he wanted to quantify the wait time ("one week? one month? what's your usual timeline?")... I understand where he's coming from, but nothing felt natural. We made out once and I immediately lost interest. This is a pattern with me. And then there are those who I'm just not that into. Not putting much analysis on any of this, I'm more stating it in a matter-of-fact sort of way.
I've gotten to a point, and I consider this to be a good thing, that I'm not interested in having a boyfriend (and completely opposed to FWB or casual hook-ups). I'm not actively seeking to date, I'm somewhat opposed to it if anything, and if I do, it's with the end goal of being in a relationship. I'm done with the phase of casual fucking.
Then this dude comes out of nowhere - I'm thrilled to spend time with him the morning after he crashed on my couch (in fact, I called my friend immediately after he left to tell her what a pleasant/nice/lovely guy he was) but in a happy non-relationship tone. I was just happy to have him around. I didn't even think he was into me as anything more than a cool chick to spend a morning with and help clean up the house party that he crashed.
I told him about not ready to kiss super regularly, which I'm relieved that you agree with. He was completely understanding about it, but not in a pushover way, and he STILL wants to spend time together. We’ll almost definitely make out a bit tomorrow, I’m not saying that that’s not what I want. Specifically, I’m not ready for it to be something so regular that it’s expected/feels like a relationship.
He clearly is more into me than I'm into him. Both of us seem to understand this. However, we definitely get along super well and I am EQUALLY interested in spending time with him, I’m thrilled that we’re becoming friends, I love it when we hang out. I am just not sure where I stand on the romance scale. I have a strong group of good friends, I feel comfortable being single, and life without him would still be stable. I consider myself very fortunate to be at that point in my life.
Omg. I'm borderline in tears and suddenly understand why you think the post is sad. At the same time, I’m very satisfied with where I am in my non-romantic life. Maybe their also happy tears? I don’t consider myself victimized by the situation where I was far more into the guy and it dragged on – I’ve been in other situations where I had the “upper hand” (I hate using that phrase, though), but almost immediately knew that I wasn’t interested. I broke it off when I knew that it wouldn’t work out long-term.Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that he’s more into me than I’m into him. It’s a huge relief to have that stability and I know that there’s a good chance that we’ll end up dating anyway. That being said, I am afraid that he'll lose patience or that once he actually gets to know me, he'll realize that he's rushed into a situation that he doesn't want to be in - and that would hurt if I'd gotten attached already. Similarly, I don't want him to attach too much if I end up not being into him. I’ve been clear about this and have explicitly said that we should both be careful with our emotions.
He makes me feel like I have complete support and space to take my time with my decision. I know that I haven’t known him super-long, but he seems like a genuine and caring person (also, my friend is super pro-him, she gave him the green light as far as “quality person” goes, it’s just a matter of seeing where things go romantically from there). I’m not sure how open he is to the idea that he could be wrong about me. I’m happy that I don’t have a looming fear that I’m going to be asked to have sex with him anytime soon. If anything, I get the feeling that he’s encouraging us to hold out on it for a while, which is new and scary and confusing but maybe comforting? There’s a looming fear with men that they’re going to fed up with the lack of sex, but everything about the way he’s treated me up to now goes against that. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. If anything, I’m pretty hedonistic – this post may seem to hint the opposite, but that’s not the case. My personality is pretty outgoing and loud-spoken, I curse a lot and am borderline crass. I’m impressed at how much he’s ok with/even seems to enjoy how much I curse…but overall the way he talks isn’t nearly as vulgar as the language that I use.
That’s off-topic. The subject of sex comes up here and there, but we don’t talk about sex from an “us” perspective. I like that and I want to keep it like that for a while. Despite my casual nature about the subject of sex, my feelings get in the way when I’m the one doing it. I’ve gotten to a point where I’d rather say no to sex and have better emotional/mental health instead.
Finally, reading your response and typing this out has been super helpful for self-reflection. Thanks for reading my long original post and for your thorough response. I hadn’t even considered that I have trust issues. I’m still trying to navigate this whole “dating” thing. It feels like a huge, confusing clusterfuck. I’ll figure it out. Meanwhile, I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. Ugh, I could use the study reward (of social interaction)…hmm, I didn’t plan on posting those last two sentences. Dating (at least, dating me) is a clusterfuck. Thank you for the response, it meant a lot. Helped me think.