I don't want to be rich and beautiful, I just want a modest 1 bedroom apartment, a reliable used car, not to be looked at with complete disgust, safety, healthcare, a little dignity...

I always hoped that, if I could just turn one more corner, life would get easier. Everything has been hard for me, but I struggled to do the things that were supposed to lead to a better life, being spat on the whole way. It took me 14 years (I have a progressive illness) to get a college degree, but all it got me was debt. No jobs are going to accommodate someone who is sick half the time and is only going to get worse. I have run out of corners to turn.

People think the ADA protects people like me, but it doesn't. For example: I almost didn't get that degree in the end, because this bigot professor didn't want to sponsor the thesis of a disabled person (I had to scramble at the last minute to write my thesis for a different major than the one I had spent all those years working on.) There are many loopholes in the ADA and, in the end, you have to be able to afford a lawsuit and prove discrimination, which can be hard. I have been discriminated against in everything: housing, healthcare, employment, education, finance, etc.

People think poor, disabled people get free healthcare, but we don't. Doctors now refuse to prescribe the medications that had been preventing me from getting worse. (They have fallen out of favor, because they aren't effective for a lot of people, and healthcare for poor people is like an assembly line, where everyone gets the same thing based on averages, regardless of what works for patients individually.) Without effective treatment, I experience permanent cognitive decline. It's happening and there is nothing I can do about it.

Yes, there are plenty of other poor and homeless people out here who haven't killed themselves—I don't need to go to another country to see them, they live in the same storage facility as I do—but everyone out here is going to die, and we will have shorter, more miserable lives than more fortunate people. I don't want this life. If I can't have a less painful life, I don't want a life at all. I think I should have the right to decide that for myself.

Every now and then, they have to stop the train at night here for hours (oh, the people driving on the roads are so inconvenienced), because someone has stepped in front of the train. I could be one of those.

I fantasize about dousing my storage unit in gasoline and lightning it with me inside. I don't want there to be anything left for anyone to see. I used to be an artist, I have a lot of personal things in here, but my brain doesn't work like it used to.

It's not just online, everyone wants me dead, with the exception of a few fringe groups with no power whatsoever. Poor people, unemployed people, disabled people, ugly old women... It's everywhere, it's part of the culture. If you can't pay your own way, you have no value to anyone, you are a parasite. It doesn't matter how nice and kind you are. Human lives are reduced to dollars and mine is in default.

I have always done my best for everyone around me and all I get is stabbed in the back. I should have known better than to post here. I often look at this forum, hoping someone in a similar situation will get some helpful advice, but it never happens.