I just miss having girl friends. I don't have sisters, I grew up playing with the boys on the block and all my closest friends are dudes. But then I met Ash-- immediately we knew we were soul sisters. I saw her almost every day for a year and when we couldn't hang, we'd chat on the phone at least twice. I'm a tightly-wound, anxiety-ridden kind of gal, but holy shit Ash picked me right up and helped me realize it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to feel fucking fabulous instead of fear. I don't know how she did it. She introduced me to her friend Nik and the three of us ended up having girls' nights at least once a week. We'd get out of our jobs, change into leggings and hit the bong a few times before walking down to our favorite bar to play cards and have some drinks. A lot of our dude friends worked at that bar and come closing time, they'd join us in our card game, never knowing we had an alliance goin on and that's why we won every time. Me and Ash would snuggle in her bed with her pup and Chex Mix and fall asleep watching tv shows about hilarious women. In the summer, me Ash and Nik would spend the afternoons blaring music we used to listen to in high school and cooking some elaborate meal for our friends and we'd spend the night cutting lines and getting onto the best dance floors. We'd cram into one bathroom stall because we couldn't stand to be apart.

I hate being such a downer on Reddit lately because I can't stop thinking about it, so I can't stop writing about it. I can't even believe it sometimes. We lost Ash and Nikki and five others this past November when their house caught fire. I feel so hollow, but I'm trying to remember how Ashley showed me how beautiful life is and how she helped me lift my chin up and trudge through my depression and anxiety-- she even helped me cast it aside, somehow.

So I guess that's what I want. I just want my girl friends. I want the comraderie, I want the comfort and the aching muscles from laughing so hard. I want love and how when we were together, it felt like we were living in an eternal summer.