3. [WP] A living personality exists inside your headphones and talks to you while y...

[WP] A living personality exists inside your headphones and talks to you while you have them on, but unplugged

SO EVERYDAY I THANK THE MAN UPSTAIRS, THAT I AIN’T YOU AND YOU AIN’T ME. GET OFF MY DICK.

“Woah.” You thought you were mouthing along silently, but the very fat man to your right and the ridiculously old immigrant to your left both look at you. You sort of half smile at them to be polite and adjust your headphones needlessly; then you try to adjust your body and you’re reminded that you’re sandwiched between a very fat man and a ridiculously old immigrant for another 3 hours. The cheap airline always seems worth it when you book it but it’s so sad when you actually fly. You never learn. You’ve been pseudo wrestling with these 2 guys for the armrests for an hour and a half already, and you always end up taking them. But armrest wrestling isn’t really a sport of strength; it’s mostly about who’s the biggest jerk. What does that say about you??

You slide your oversized black headphones down around your neck and turn left to the extremely wise looking Indian guy, “You mind if I get by, sir?” “Ok” he nods back. You look at each other motionlessly; just long enough for it to get awkward. You point to the bathroom and he nods more enthusiastically, “Yes” he says.

He gets up slowly. You feel bad for making the old man stand but you’ve ordered so many of those tiny liquor bottles. You always save money on your flight but you always end up spending the difference on tiny liquor bottles to sedate yourself. You shuffle sideways down the aisle like a crab; you really try, but your ass and crotch inevitably rub against any aisle seaters sleeping too comfortably. You move quickly so the people you wake up don’t realize how intimate you and they’ve just gotten. Goddamn cheap tickets.

You sigh relief once you get into the bathroom, raising the headphones back over your head. You click next on your iPod a few times before opening up to drain your dragon. A catchy guitar melody starts to string as you relieve yourself.

Once upon a time. A few mistakes ago. I was in your sights. You got me alone.

You nod hard at the melody and savor the space of the airplane bathroom. You wiggle your shoulders to loosen them up, they happen to wiggle to the exact same tempo as the song, but that’s just a coincidence. You’re pretty sure you’re not dancing to Taylor Swift alone in a bathroom. You zip up, flush, and wash up in the sink. Looking in the mirror, it’s a little amazing how nerdy you’ve started to look. Well you were already Asian, but thick black framed glasses and an appropriately fitting polo shirt has really shifted your image in a safe, neutral direction.

You skip a couple songs before you step out. You imagine exiting the bathroom as the opening scene of some twisted, low budget music video.

Ain’t nothing but a gangster party… party… party…

You walk out in an extra cool, extra controlled fashion. Your movements are smooth enough to match Snoop Dogg’s voice, but then you realize that your fancy headphones isolate the noise and the other passengers can appreciate none of it. For all they know you could be listening to Taylor Swift. You begin the long shuffle back to your seat, but your iPod gets caught on something and is ripped away from the headphone jack.

NEXT SONG. IT’S 2014. TUPACS DEAD MAN.

You freeze exactly as you stand. That voice definitely came from inside the headphones and none of your mp3s criticize you for listening to old music. You stand, frozen, until the lady you just rubbed your ass on pokes you with your iPod. You sort of quarter smile at her while you take it, you probably had crazy eyes too. You don’t care. You’re fucking hearing voices.

PLAY SOME WIZ, MAN. I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.

… how many of those little bottles did you fucking drink??

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