Dear Fatty Patty, I am writing this letter, because a lot was left unsaid when you left – and I seem to express my feelings better in writing than in verbal communication. It’s been a week and half since I last checked up on you. It’s been straight willpower that prevents me from calling, messaging, and texting you. I don’t want to know what you’re doing or if you’re with someone else, whoever he is or anything. I really don’t want to know none of the fine details. I just hope you’re happy, genuinely. And I don’t think that’s a problem considering your optimistic attitude. I’m becoming content with myself after some bad decisions. I’ve started to cope. First thing’s first; I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me things I would’ve never learned without you. Thank you for showing me what true heartbreak is, and how I can sometimes become a slave to my emotions. Thank you for making me realize that I was going down the wrong path, and that I needed to change in order to compensate for my goals. Thank you for changing me, in the best and worst way possible. I don’t wish the worst for you. Truly, all I wish is for you to be happy, however, I only wish that I was part of that happiness. I often sit here in front of my computer screen; fighting and trying so hard to get you back and my efforts go to waste. You kept on pushing me away, if I tried to get close. So why try anymore? Last night I saw you in a dream. I am not sure whether it means I still miss you, or I just want to be over with you. We kissed. We laughed. And then the dream instantly flashed back to the prom night when we slept at [bleep] and [bleep’s] house. [bleep] told me, “The sound of you guys laughing and giggling in bed while trying to sleep made my night”. Surprisingly he also said the same thing in real life. Then we were laying down next to each other, staring at each other’s eyes. One last kiss and you left. I begged you to stay but you left anyway and said that I should learn to be happy without you. And then I woke up. I’m not dependent on you for happiness anymore, and I never really was. I realized no one else can save me – I have to save myself. But you did show me true happiness and I guess it’s just such a change now that I don’t have it. I tossed and turned at night thinking about you and everything I could’ve done to change the place we are at now. I used to wake up every morning, exhausted by my thoughts and wonder if you thought of me as much as I thought of you. I don’t think about you nearly as much, the sound of your name rolling off my tongue doesn’t make me want to follow it up with vomit and the empty, sinking feeling of loneliness. I accidentally listened to one of our favourite songs today (Hero – Family of The Year); I didn’t even realize it until it got to the lyrics we both sang together. I listened to all the lyrics and I guess it’s kind of ironic considering our situation. Ignore all of what I said and did when in pure agony, I know I was really emotional and said/did some stuff I shouldn’t have however you’re a great person and you tried much harder than I ever asked or wanted you to, so thank you. I’m sorry I couldn’t mentally round myself up long enough to end things on good terms, or perhaps even continue what we had? I’m also sorry if the things you said about me were true. I told you what I had to say about all that and I stand by it. I tried my hardest but I was dealing with depression and emotional problems. So I guess this might just be my final goodbye to you, where I stop trying to get you back. Or should I squeeze your hand 3 times again? I think you know what that means. I wish I could be your friend without feeling anything weird, uncomfortable or romantic, but I can’t guarantee that, and I don’t want to go down that road. And you know it isn’t simply possible for us to be friends. We will always have a special place in each other’s hearts. We were both each other’s high school sweethearts, you were my first for so many things and I was yours. We practically grew up together in one of the most crucial stages of our lives; we were maturing and changing drastically. We faced so many hard-ships together. We were each other’s first real relationship. Remember the times in Chemistry class when we used to doodle in each other’s notebooks? Or the forest near Woodlands when we had our first kiss, and kept on spinning around in circles? How about when I used to write song lyrics on your skin? And oh God was it beautiful? So please forgive me for trying to keep myself safe. I’m still confused if I’m over you or I’m just good at pretending that I am. I miss you, I missed how we used to be, I missed the old us. And I still miss having you beside me, I miss our ticklish games, the nicknames, and how you always tried to grab my butt even though I hated it. I miss you big time. I miss that little dimple that forms on your left check every time you smile. I love how your braces showed when you smile ¼ of my pinkie’s length. There are still times when I think that this is all just a phase, that one day we’re going to bump into each other, catch up and everything will we be fine, everything will be back from where they were. I still think that there’s an 80% chance that you’re the person I’m going to end up with, even though you’ve hurt me so bad and after all we’ve been through. I don’t know why, but that’s how I can sometime see the future. It’s stupid right? Maybe this is the effect of missing you so much, but it’s all okay now. I think you’ll move on before I do, I just hope I never have to see you with someone else. I think it would kill me to see that – well not really, but it’s hard to imagine your lips on someone else after all we shared; you already know how jealous I got when we were together but now I have no right to say anything, and now you’d not try and reassure me about how much you love me over other guys. Now you wouldn’t call me for an hour, or text/message me until I replied. When you do move on, he’ll be so lucky and I hope he treats you better than I did; you deserve it. I hope you know everything I did was because I loved you so much. I feel pathetic for saying all this, but it’s been weeks after we last spoke as lovers and it feels like someone has died, I suppose we did? Perhaps our relationship did? It was a loss that I didn’t expect either. I know we made so many promises, having two kids, being filthy rich, travelling, having our own little tree-house, and going on late night drives to make out on the beach. I’ve changed a lot since you broke up with me, and it’s a shame I still want to share that dream with you. Because you taught me to believe in teenage fantasies, where love lasts forever and you live happily ever after. I remember the day I slept over in your dorm room at Waterloo, you looked into my eyes and told me that I had amazing eyes and even though I didn’t think so, I believed you anyway. Somehow you showed me that you were speaking from the heart (even though it was 7 in the morning when I had just woken up, and I was trying to wake you up by licking your nose). You opened up to me first in hope that I would open up to you too. You made me feel vulnerable yet strong at the same time for being able to admit things that I dare not tell a soul. You were a good listener and a great supporter. You respected my decisions and opinions. Most importantly, you made me feel loved. So be sure to keep peace with your soul because even with all its bogus, chores and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world and all that much more beautiful because you are in it. I am going to end off this letter by telling you a story. On May, 2011 I fell for a girl so bad, so hard, my whole world blew up. And my mind kept on telling me that you’re going to be ready to do anything for her and she’s going to be everything you’ve ever wanted and her touch will feel like a knife of sugariness cutting your stomach open and her eyes will be like two angels lighting up your screwed up life making it better all the time and her presence will mean so much more to you than your cigarettes ever did and you won’t need those drugs to keep you calm because her arms will be your safe heaven and her smell will be like spring’s breeze you’ll keep on wanting to inhale because it fills up your lungs with nothing but love and her kisses will be like the stairway to heaven, so you won’t need to blast your heavy metal music to drown out the sorrows and that will ultimately make you realize you’re finally worth something because she loves you just as much for who you are or maybe even more and that every move she makes will be your favourite in this world and every problem of hers will be your very worst nightmare and you will want to fix them at that instant to make sure there is that smile on her face that keeps you moving through the day and everything she will have and be, you will crave it. You will be so hopelessly and completely in love with a girl. But one day she will leave and will refuse to give you back your heart she stole the day you laid your eyes on her. It hurts, because you used to be that girl. Our time together was short, but it was the best time of my life. Soon all our memories will be lost in time like tears in rain. You were worth it, old friend, and a thousand times over – Where the Red Fern Grows.

Love, [Bleep] :)