My MiL is sort of like this. She seems like a very generous, caring person. Like, if we ever need something, she's right there to assist. She always asks about my family and shows genuine interest in them. She accepted me as a part of her family almost from the moment she and I met. She even GAVE me my first car (my husband and I met as very young adults) and let me practically live in her house until we could get our own apartment.

But her need for control is intense. We have dinner together every week, which is mandatory (for us, but not my nSiL, her daughter), and we usually just sit around listening to her talk about her week (aka, meals she ate, stores she shopped at, and the trials and tribulations of living with nSiL). But if my husband ever tries to talk about his own work or any of his creative endeavors, she will sit there for a few moments with her eyes glazed over, then unsubtly turn the conversation back to herself or SiL. When my SiL DOES join us, she always dominates the conversation, and my MiL will coddle her and cater to her to keep her from getting upset about anything because she can throw some crazy tantrums over nothing. Then when she leaves, MiL will start shit-talking her. Also, MiL actually lectured my husband once (when I wasn't there) about how the topics he wants to discuss are boring and no one cares about them, so he shouldn't bring them up. Also he's "pretentious" and "lives in an ivory tower."

My husband has only just started to unpack the gross manipulation and abuse through therapy, and it has helped him a lot. But I know there's a long way to go...