When I experience moments of extreme happiness or laughter, they are suffocated shortly after. I don't know exactly why this is. In my life, there is no further low than coming down of the high of happiness. Here is my play by play of last week.

Best days in ages. Exploring the world. On a beach. Laughing with people i hardly know. So hard it hurts We smile and chuckle into silence. Then it comes, i forgot to not feel this.

I see all the reasons it's not true. I see my brother, who I should be laughing with. I relive his funeral. The night is suddenly not as good. Suddenly it is not a joyus place and I want to go home. I don't have that anymore, I'll be going to my house. The house I was in when I got the call about my gal's wreck. I smell her perfume. I smell a hospital again.

Hospitals. I'm 28 and I miss hospitals, whats wrong with me. I was there for family. I was there for friends. And I was there for a love. There was always hope in these clean white rooms. They didn't smell like smoke. They didn't smell like a drink. I dont have control, i just sit and wait. Thinking of good things behind that door. I realize i don't have a bed left to stand by.

I question if I believe in soul mates. If they are a thing, then I have said my last words to them. I told my bro I would never drink when I'm sad, only to celebrate. So I stop sipping my beer. It's time for me to go. I have to work tomorrow anyways. This way I can pay rent to the house I once saw as home. A door I walk through to an absent greeting. A phone bill for a device that can call anyone in the world other than the voices I yearn to hear.

I wish I could drink myself to sleep, but he'd be pissed. I wish I could just die, but she always said I'd do great things. I miss my family, i think they would be proud of my life. I'll bring roses to their plots this weekend. And I'll try to feel nothing for a while so I can do great things for all of us.

I deny the pain in my chest. I close my eyes and imagine them. I sleep, and hope that I wake up tomorrow out of a dream that accessed a different portion of my mind than this one.