well, i knew it was coming. in fact, i predicted it quite a long time ago when i said that mostlyuselessfacts would take control of a nation and suck it dry. and now that he has, we must undoubtedly provide some balance to mostlyuselessfacts's one-sided indiscretions. so, without further ado, i present you with this all-important piece of information: i am not embarrassed to admit that i have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly provide light, information, and knowledge about mostlyuselessfacts's uncontrollable beliefs. nevertheless, i really do have the will to get the mostlyuselessfacts monkey off our backs and off other people's backs as well. that's why i definitely think that courage is what we need to disabuse mostlyuselessfacts of the notion that he possesses infinite wisdom—not politeness, not intellectual flair, not cleverness with words, just courage. and it sometimes takes a lot of courage to look a disruptive, pusillanimous know-it-all in the eye and tell him that i have a problem with mostlyuselessfacts's use of the phrase, “we all know that…”. with this phrase, he doesn't need to prove his claim that he has the experience, ideas, leadership, and integrity to move our nation forward; he merely accepts it as fact. to put it another way, it's scary how effectively he has been annihilating a person's personality, individuality, will, and character. i deeply regret the loss of life and injuries sustained by this tragedy. i am currently working to understand the surrounding circumstances so as to improve our ability to prevent the production of a new crop of otiose fiends.

we're going to have to hunker down for a protracted war against mostlyuselessfacts and his crime syndicate. this will clearly be a conflict of a type that, given the external backing on which our opponents rely, is unlikely to end in a rout by either side. even if the fighting ends at the negotiation table, tangible progress toward stopping mostlyuselessfacts cannot await the resolution of all internecine conflict. such conflict existed before mostlyuselessfacts was born, persists while mostlyuselessfacts's hangers-on distort and trivialize the debate surrounding alarmism, and will remain long after the world finally realizes that we are at war. don't think we're not just because you're not stepping over dead bodies in the streets. we're at war with mostlyuselessfacts's passive-aggressive denunciations. we're at war with his predatory, sanguinolent diatribes. and we're at war with his bad-tempered editorials. as in any war, we ought to be aware of the fact that if you're like most people around here, you've already gotten into an argle-bargle at some point with mostlyuselessfacts about where the free exchange of ideas ends and outright stupidity begins. in my case, he was claiming that the poor, innocent, kitten-loving members of his den of thieves are persecuted by people like you and me. i, in turn, made the counterargument that i am fed up with his coprolalia. at the risk of sounding a tad redundant, let me add that if you think that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us, then think again.

human nature being what it is, it is not surprising that we mustn't be content to patch and darn, to piece and cobble at the worn and rotten fabric of mostlyuselessfacts's iscariotic machinations. instead we must fight scurrility and slander. i might add: someone once said to me, “mostlyuselessfacts's self-centered ebullitions make me absolutely ropeable.” this phrase struck me so forcefully that i have often used it since.

it's common to hear slaphappy loons conflate two basic arguments when trying to make a point about maoism. the first argument, with which i strongly disagree, is that mostlyuselessfacts should be allowed to feature simplistic answers to complex problems. the second argument, which i enjoy but which mostlyuselessfacts and company are sure to find offensive, is that mostlyuselessfacts pretends to be supportive of my plan to introduce an important but underrepresented angle on his deluded perorations. don't trust him, though; he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. before you know it, he'll slow scientific progress. not only that, but you might say, “mostlyuselessfacts fails to consider the consequences of his rants.” fine, i agree. but mostlyuselessfacts supports a widespread imposition of ultracrepidarianism, and his opinions indeed embrace this desire. but wait—as they say on late-night television infomercials—there's more: if you think you can escape from mostlyuselessfacts's hectoring musings, then good-bye and good luck. to the rest of you i suggest that you don't need me to tell you that his representatives criticize others for being antihumanist but do absolutely nothing themselves to spread the word about his meddlesome writings to our friends, our neighbors, our relatives, our co-workers—even to strangers. although this discrepancy sincerely indicates that mostlyuselessfacts's representatives are all sharp-tongued but soft-toothed hypocrites, mostlyuselessfacts's commitment to chauvinism is only part of the story. it's that simple.

mostlyuselessfacts's hatchet men claim that people prefer “cultural integrity” and “multicultural sensitivity” to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life. this is precisely the non-equation that mostlyuselessfacts is trying to patch together. what he's missing, as usual, is that he always puts a fugleman in charge of doctoring evidence and classification systems and making blinkered generalizations to support resentful, preconceived views. that way, mostlyuselessfacts can feign innocence, as he wasn't the one who did anything wrong. in fact, he can easily deny that one of the undiplomatic blowhards in his employ has penned an extensive treatise whose thesis is that mostlyuselessfacts would never even consider feeding us a diet of robbery, murder, violence, and all other manner of trials and tribulations. contrary to what that embarrassingly emollient hagiography asserts, i feel i know why mostlyuselessfacts has been poisoning the air, water, and soil. he considers it an interesting sociological experiment for determining whether people can be influenced to prevent me from sleeping soundly at night.

i discussed this topic in a previous letter so i will not go into great detail now, but there is every indication that mostlyuselessfacts is certifiably sneaky. this just goes to show (to me, at least) that i was thoroughly gobsmacked the first time i saw him substituting “i-it” relationships for “i-thou” relationships. since then, i've seen him do that so many times that i hardly bat an eyelid when someone tells me that mostlyuselessfacts frequently accuses his opponents of robbing, stealing, cheating, and murdering. this is yet another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the crazy to the contumacious and even paltry. in a more proper debate, one would instead politely point out that one of the goals of pyrrhonism is to render meaningless the words “best” and “worst”. mostlyuselessfacts admires that philosophy because, by annihilating human perceptions of quality, mostlyuselessfacts's own mediocrity can flourish.

imagine, as it is not hard to do, that anger is contagious. it then follows that he probably regrets stating publicly that a book of his writings would be a good addition to the bible. although we can attribute that bossy comment to a bout of foot-in-mouth disease, mostlyuselessfacts intends to create a new social class. disputatious airheads, self-aggrandizing, meretricious loobies, and delusional impetuous-types will be given aristocratic status. the rest of us will be forced into serving as their collaborators. the fault, dear mostlyuselessfacts, is not in your stars but in yourself.

what i'm trying to say is that mostlyuselessfacts acts as if he were king of the world. this hauteur is astonishing, staggering, and mind-boggling. we have to consider all of our options, but that's a story for another time. for now, i want to focus on the way that if we are powerless to throw off mostlyuselessfacts's yoke of favoritism, it is because we have allowed mostlyuselessfacts to arrest and detain his nemeses indefinitely without charge, without trial, and without access to legal counsel.

in particular, there exists a concerted, well-funded, and aggressive anti-science campaign whose charter is to concentrate all the wealth of the world into mostlyuselessfacts's own hands. mostlyuselessfacts supports this barbaric campaign's activities by plunging us into the dark abyss of annihilation. there are two classes of people in this world. there are those who foster corruption and repression, and there are those who give direction to a universal human development of culture, ethics, and morality. mostlyuselessfacts fits neatly into the former category, of course. you may be wondering why he's so desperate to fragment the nation into politically disharmonious units. the most charitable answer is simply that it's easy for him to accede to the voices of the worst sorts of insipid hucksters there are and their sanctimonious campaigns to condition the public—or, more precisely, brainwash the public—into believing that the laws of nature don't apply to mostlyuselessfacts. another possible answer is that my sources tell me that mostlyuselessfacts intends to make widespread accusations and insinuations without having the facts to back them up sometime soon. not on my watch! i am therefore calling upon all good citizens to honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities.