Hey Adam.
After I saw this post I might have looked you up and slightly stalked all your posts......and by slightly stalked I mean I looked through every single one. I also took the time to read some of your comments. (Loved the political stuff you commented on)
I think you're funny. And you're obviously not stupid. The Mass Effect art was also amazing.
So you've been struggling for awhile. I can't understand that, my struggle with suicide and depression has only lasted roughly two years. So honestly I have an idea of what you are experiencing, but I don't understand the magnitude of what you experience. I overcame my depression with the help (but not only) of philosophy. If I may, I'd like to share my thoughts on why I am living right now.
About one year ago I was in my bed holding a knife above my heart. I had left home for the Navy only to come back 6 weeks later diagnosed with depression. I was back in the small town where I grew up. My dad threatened to kick me out. Most of my friends were in college (I didn't have many to begin with). My one girlfriend cheated on me before I left (2 months was my longest relationship). I was 20 years old and I was ready to end it.
I thought I was a failure.......I was wrong.
While I held that knife above my heart (this by the way was not the only time my life hung precariously), I realized something.
Fuck everything.
Adam, whatever you want to do, do it. If you want to game all day, do it. If you enjoy doing something, then do it. If you actually enjoy gaming, then spend your life doing that. Fuck whatever society thinks. The only thing that matters is you.
Let me repeat that: The only thing that matters is you. Fuck society's standards. Fuck people who try and put you down. Fuck stupid social stigmas. Fuck society's preconceived view of success. Fuck the pressure to have a career. Fuck the pressure to conform and be someone you're not. Fuck the pressure to socialize. Actually fuck all the pressure in general.
YOU WILL NEVER BE A LOSER IF YOU SPEND YOUR TIME DOING SOMETHING YOU ENJOY. Don't worry about results, just find something that makes you happy.
Personally I think you need to go find an animal shelter and volunteer. Or a vet's office and volunteer, or get a job at a pet store. You talked about your dog like it was an angel.....go surround yourself with angels. That dog saved your life, so go save a dog's life. And there are plenty of socialization options within any of those groups. Find a way out of that town and go find some happiness, I swear it's waiting for you.
If you spend your life gaming and helping animals, you are golden. Don't feel like you have to do anything more. Seriously, if you could make that life happen I would be envious of you.
Stay alive. JUST STAY ALIVE. You're doing great if you can manage that.
I want you to live. I want you to post 10 years later and be happy. Be somebody who survived. I am here rooting for you. There are plenty of other people who are hoping that you will be alright. We will wake up tomorrow with you in our thoughts, hoping that you are doing well.
Stay alive, I don't want you to end it all.
PM me anytime.
-Max