Step one : Did that, but he's pretty passive aggressive. There's always some weird, under handed punishment that he's made sure I can't ignore to go with it. He stated he prefers that I'm in the room and in the same bed. In dealing with him, that means, "you are to do this or else..."
Step two : I have been doing this. Definitely. He doesn't like doing anything besides going to bars and playing video games. He also stated that 100% of companionship needed to be gotten outside the relationship, that he wanted none of that with me.
So, I made a new nerdy friend who likes video games I like (more emphasis on puzzles and interesting stuff than on sex and guns), card games I like (Smash Up, for example), talking about science and physics while listening to NDT podcasts or watching the debates he hosts, etc.
We would go see stand up together and talk for hours afterward about anything and everything. Childhood, ghosts, the universe, cats..
I got to see the new friend about twice a month at first. Then jealousy started in and the controlling got a lot worse.. then it was once every 1 to 2 months.. and then it was having to escape quickly and quietly to go hang out with friend and his friend.
I didn't understand. He got what he wanted, so why all the anger and controlling stuff. He just cried and said he didn't know and that he's just mean and he doesn't know why and blah blah blah
Brief moment of clarity. As soon as the tears dried up, it was back to blaming me for everything that's ever happened in his life and all of his failings, etc.
So, not allowed to have friends either... okay. I spend a significant amount of time masturbating since he says he doesn't want me and never has/never will.. But that I'm in a relationship with him, so sex elsewhere isn't allowed.
I've taken up a couple new hobbies (including felting - I made my first owls today!)
I have awesome head phones and go for walks.
I've started looking for hiking friends in the area, as bf has no interest in anything that isn't porn, video games, beer, or food. I tried to get him involved in hiking before. He said it went well.. but has refused to ever go again, so I'll assume that's a no.
I'm just scared of how he'll react if he finds out about any new friends. He's even jealous of my friendships with other females.
Even with all these new and interesting things I've been doing to better myself, I'm still so down a lot of the time. It isn't just Mr. Insecure (lol, get this. All of his horrible behavior should be excused and not addressed because "he has insecurities"... but! When the sex really really declined and I wanted to know what was wrong, he told me that I wasn't secure enough for his tastes and it made me even more unattractive to him.. THAT should totally be understandable - but when it's him who is insecure, it's a) all my fault b) on me to make him feel secure and c) not something that can be held against him)
There is a lot there. A lot. But there's also a good deal of stress emanating from custody battle.