In spite of everyone saying "there's no timeline" and such, I definitely have a lot of internalized pressure that comes from feeling behind. I guess the older I get, the more and more confused I feel about what's so abnormal about me that I'm so behind - I mean it's statistically not normal, so what's so different about me that this is (not) happening?? Anyway, growing up I feel like I got so much messaging (from TV books etc) about timelines that I did internalize very deeply, I was always super aware that I wasn't meeting the teenage milestones.

If I were taking care of myself fully and trying to do what feels safe to me, I wouldn't get back on dating apps because I know how unsafe they make me feel. But every time I think of pushing it back more, or just trying to be patient for the right person to come along, the voice in my head says "you aren't getting any younger..." and I have to push myself again.