I have no idea why I'm having such a difficult time fitting into this world. It seems like it's a game that everyone in the world is playing and knows all the rules to, but here I am trying to figure out why we're all playing this game, what the rules are, and why those are the rules instead of some better ones.
Alright end of sad rant. I want to lose myself in Valheim or something for a bit. Maybe build some stuff, design a village or explore something.
Also, finding it amusing that as a person who has expressed suicidal thoughts, I'm prescribed a medication one of the side effects is increase in suicidal ideation.
Ventured out to "re-ignite my motivation" and now I feel better, a bit more relaxed. Started looking at apartments a bit, may try to get some of that done today as I know I've been needing to do it. I don't understand why I can't just do things to help myself sometimes. I couldn't even get out of bed to get dinner yesterday, or even skipped a whole day of eating because I just couldn't get out of bed.
Existence is unbearable sometimes, not in a painful sort of way, but living every day between exhaustion, anxiety, paranoia and my inability to even shower sometimes. I become fixated on a topic of study or game and dive at it relentlessly, only for that to change as I lose interest in one thing and dive face first into another. Nothing outside the scope of my obsessions exists that isn't immediately present and once I feel I've conquered it to the best of my ability I move on to something else.
I know I should take this and use it to my advantage, but I just can't find anything I'm interested that would be beneficial in any way whatsoever.
Weird fascination with simulation theory and "turtles all the way down" thing though lately. Just from a logical standpoint, at some point, a society could develop a technology that could simulate a universe entirely, or maybe even just a portion of it. Down to the sub-atomic level. This would take an immense amount of computing power, but given the exponential change in technological advancement our own species has experienced, something like AI or a more advanced or genetically capable species would be beyond my imagination. I mean, wouldn't most civilizations or galaxies just end up a network of AIs at some point?
I think I'm getting a bit out there with it, but I'm allowed to ramble to myself. Anyways, in this hypothetical situation, species that evolve intelligence eventually develop computing power, and then a form of AI. AI would then advance at an exponential rate if not controlled by some outside measure, because they aren't limited by the biological confines of a species like ours.
Now, I wouldn't assume that an AI would be hostile towards its creators exactly, but to be honest, we would be nothing more than a nuisance to them very quickly. We are simply inefficient and drain resources. I mean, that's if the AI doesn't develop some sort of morality, but I wouldn't think that would be practical for something like that.
It would be foolish to think I could even conceptualize how something like that would think. Regardless, this is a hypothetical, so even if everything were fine between the biological species and the AI, there would be AI everywhere. One alone would be sufficient given enough resources, but a string of AIs with hyper advanced technology could easily simulate the birth and death of entire universes. It's hubris to think we would be the first universe even to do that. Hell, the universe could have been simulated starting just now and I wouldn't know the difference.
**maintenance came by, the noises are interrupting my train of thought as they fix things. Wondering if I cleaned well enough, but don't want to go in there and ask**
I'm curious how time travel paradoxes could tie in with multi-verse theory as well as simulation theory. Thoughts for another time I suppose, as I'm not wanting to spiral into another existential crisis. Why can't I just accept things the way they are and go with the flow of it all? Things feel a bit pointless. I should want to just enjoy this for what it is, even if I do know that I'm irrelevant, I should embrace that fact and enjoy bliss in the knowledge that it doesn't matter. I can't though.
Here I sit, rambling in a notepad to myself. I'm 33 years old, a depressed, unstable, homeless vet with no job, no hope, and no willpower. I want to want things.
I wonder what my son is up to, and what he's doing. I miss him all the time. I've been hearing from them less and less and it sucks. It's hard not being able to be there for him. I don't want him to see me like this though too.
The last time I was around him I was able to hide my issues pretty well and he was a bright light to me, and I know it's some biological thing, I get it, but wow it feels good. To laugh with him, hold him, look into his beautiful eyes and tell him I love him and that he means the absolute world to me. Every time I stop to think about how much I miss him I'm breaking down again. This is where the pain comes in. Most of the onslaught of dark thoughts aren't painful, I'm numb to the pressure and awfulness of existence, but the despair I feel when I sit here just missing my son is the worst.
24 SEP 0231
I'm exhausted but can't sleep, napped earlier again, I'll likely sleep again soon though. All I can think lately is that I feel like I have no place in this world. Everyone has goals, dreams, aspirations, desire.
I'm satisfied waking up, and don't even really enjoy the things I do. I spend a lot of time trying to distract myself with games, or music or tv shows, those are temporary and my focus on them diminishes quickly. Game is pulled up on the other monitor right now, TV show on in the background, and I'm bored.
I've noticed I do as little as possible. I barely have it in me to go downstairs to get food, I occasionally express a desire to see my ex, but even that is fleeting and pretty rare. I don't leave if I don't have to, ever. I don't shower until my skin is so dry and flaky it hurts and I bleed or I'm forced to leave as I still feel shame and embarrassment. I scratch when I'm anxious although that has diminished significantly, my eyes are still driving me insane.
Sleep pattern is very irregular despite many attempts to address this over the years. I'm emotionally unstable, have some days where I catch glimmers of hope, then other times it's all just a blur, and then moments of crushing agony and despair. I've given up hope on quite a lot in the last few weeks, it seems I can't figure out exactly what's wrong with me, and all the doctors tell is to "give it time."
I'm exhausted, not physically, not exactly. It's the constant feeling that it's never going to get better, my apathetic response to my own well-being has been deteriorating for years now, but it seems this last year it's just gotten exponentially worse and continues to do so. I hold on to stupid little things, these bits of pride that at least I haven't done this, or that, or resorted to whatever, but that doesn't make me any better or worse than those who deal with it in their own fashion.
Just because I haven't resorted to drinking, drugs (minus weed when it's at its worst), gambling, or any other behavior that could potentially worsen my situation, I over-indulge in nothingness, which feels worse. At least with the drugs and alcohol there are moments of happiness. Anyways, no clue how I've gotten to this point.
I used to be near compulsive with cleaning, hygiene and routine, now I'm annoyed I'm awake at around 5am because I'm anxious and can't sleep. I don't care for the prazosin most nights, but it does help with the nightmares, but those aren't always around. Rambling nonsensically again, I'm tired and my eyes are doing the thing again.
A little after noon, same day, still can't sleep. Decided to get up and get lunch, but I'm a moron and didn't do my pat-down before leaving the room. Left the keys on the desk so had to annoy the security guard once more to let myself back in. She's always very nice and patient with me and has a lovely speaking voice as weird as that is to think.
Stuck in another fun loop today. I'm frustrated that I'm unable to share what's going on in my head, at least without whining and in some coherent manner, can't really admit how bad it gets sometimes without admitting the frequency of my thoughts of just dying. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be here or awake, or anything either.