A post from Quora's brilliant Franklin Veaux: "A lot of people claim that if you start out as friends, that messes things up or traps you in the “friend zone” or tells the person you're interested in that you only want friendship or whatever.
That might be true, if you're passive and expect friendship to just magically turn into a relationship without you having to risk rejection.
If you're active and courageous and honest, that isn't the case. Almost all of my relationships started out as friendships. Shmtatting out asking for a relationship from the very beginning is likely to lead to a shallow relationship with no real roots, because if you go from strangers to romantic partners, what is there that drew you together besides superficial things like appearance? If you don't take the time to get to know her as a person, how do you know you're compatible? If you don't make friends, how do you know she has qualities beyond appearance that make her a good partner?
I sometimes wonder if this is the reason so many people struggle with insecurity and have partners who cheat: they date without knowing the person they're dating, they form relationships with shallow roots. And they don't take the time to learn who the other person is before they become partners.
I usually get to know my partners as friends first. But I don't wait around passively hoping that one day we will magically be dating. I am direct. I ask. If I've known someone and discovered that she might make a good partner, I ask her out, clearly and directly.
But that's not the real heart of your question.
In your details, you say you've tried both ways and neither one works.
That tells me you need to look at yourself and what you're offering. People don't see you as someone they want to be with. Why not? That's what you need to figure out if you're going to succeed at finding a partner.
Are you open? Are you willing to be vulnerable? Are you engaging? Are you courageous? Are you fun to be with?"