franky, i don't know. on the one hand, i have used weed to good purpose. on the other, it degrades the sharpness of thought over time and makes me panicky about regaining my capacities.

the latter troubles me the most. yet, i keep smoking. i notice that when i manage to moderate, i am more calm. say suppose i smoke a couple days in a row, take the next few nights off, i'm doing stellar. if i go back to sobriety for too long, i get anxious, far too driven, nit-picky, unhappy.

i say some of this is withdrawal, but i actually broke the major cycle back in november. i didn't reach my goal of 90 days, but i did make almost 45 days. not great. since the end of january, however, i've been back and for between using for a few weeks, ceasing for a week or two, and so on.

my field is in academics, so what i do all day is read books and i really need both sides of my brain to do the best job. i need to be clear, analytical, precise, but i also need to be creative, insightful, original, in order to come up with new ideas or at least ideas new to me.

there's a point i've reached with the ganja where i'm not really ashamed to be in public while high anymore. i mean, a little bit. the hangovers are still terrible in the morning but as the day progresses i get more normalized--like i am now. i actually went to a big meeting "hung over" but really just not as "there" or "intensely present" (i don't know quite how to describe it) and found that i connected the best out of any other time with this person. i was more laid back and calm, willing to let him do some of the talking and not so much concerned about proving.

i just find that i am high strung and anxious more often than not. it's what causes me to seek out the weed, and the weed to good extent dampens that crazy fire. but then i lose the fire and that's not good, either.