I empathize with you. I don't have clinical depression. But I was depressed for a about five years during my twenties when I became very sick and my brother committed suicide. My illness deformed my body, so I felt diseased and disgusting and I was overwrought with guilt over my brother. I gained a lot of weight and became super unhealthy. I developed really severe social anxiety because I wasn't happy with myself and assumed everyone else was judging me too. I hated myself and lost all sense of value and meaning. I couldn't imagine that anyone would want to be my friend or date me. I just didn't like who I was anymore.

When you are depressed, I feel like you get into a state of mind where you feel like things will never change. I felt that way for a long time and couldn't imagine myself being happy or achieving anything worthwhile.

I don't know if what I am going to say is applicable to you. But I guess I realized I was holding myself back from experiencing everything I wanted out of life. For example, I hated my body. But I was just sitting around feeling bad and not really doing anything constructive about it. I finally woke up and started exercising and eating better. I've only lost 5 lbs, but I feel so much better and more confident because I feel like I am working towards something that will improve my life. I also realized I was spending a lot of time alone in my room, and that was contributing to my depression. I started making myself go out more. I took myself on road trips and started picking up new hobbies like painting and various crafts. If a movie came out that I really wanted to see but I didn't have anyone to go with, then I would go ahead and go watch it by myself. It was hard at first. I felt like a big loser in the beginning because I didn't have any friends and I was going out alone. But I slowly started becoming more comfortable being alone and less like I was missing out on life. I guess I decided I was going to stop telling myself I couldn't do things just because I didn't have anyone to do them with.

So anyway. I look at you and your post. And I don't really know what you are going through because we are different. But I see a 17-year-old kid who is about to turn 18 and can start making decisions for himself and create a life for himself that he can live on his own terms. I think about the fact that high school kids are jerks and you will be going to college soon where hopefully you can meet people with common interests who will be less judgmental. I think about all the trips you can take while you're still young and haven't created a ton of debt for yourself or gotten trapped by a full time job. I really just wish the same things for you that I wished for my brother while he was struggling with depression. I wanted so badly to see him take risks, experience new things, and put himself out into the world. But I know it isn't easy.

I'm sorry that I'm rambling. I guess I mostly want you to know that I read your post and that I care and I hope for a bright future for you.