Are you talking about your boss? Or coworker? Forgive me if I read it wrong.

If this is in fact work related and it's this much of a struggle and trigger for you , I think you should start a vigorous job hunt. I know that this is probably the first thing you thought to do, but maybe because of X and Y you can't or won't. But I implore you to think of your mental state and health as top priority if you're self harming strictly because of this, and it's triggering so much awful stuff. I know this is easier said then done. So I'm sorry if your stuck ATM.

But i think it's time to make yourself vulnerable in other ways and possibly find a new job.

Or maybe if your not in treatment and on meds , maybe give that a try. But at the same kind of you are feeling a sort of abuse in this "relationship" I don't think you should drug yourself till you don't care that it's happening.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make you feel better or again if I read what you wrote wrong.

I'm sorry you don't have any support in person. Each state/city should have some sort of support or treatment group near you I would hope. So maybe you can find something close by to get some in person feedback/support

I do hope you feel better and it really sounds like a shitty situation, I'm sorry you have to deal with this :(