Im currently having that issue right now. Im sorry if this comment is going to be very self focused but i need to get these things off of my chest due to the fact that i never have before and i need help.
I dont understand why i shouldnt commit suicide either. I really want to at this moment right now. I dont understand it at all. Maybe its because im relatively young and naive, but if all of my life so far has been this way then whats to say some magical bullshit is going to happen and change it around. Whats to changed the trajectory that ive naturally been stuck on for as long as i can think of. Ive dealt with depression my whole life and ive never been able to shake it. And, if my natural reaction from being depressed is to desire ending everything then why shouldnt I? Is it intelligent to make up some bullshit about why i shouldnt? Or is it a made up societal concept to shun whoever desires to kill themself? If i dont have the strength to work, provide for society around me, or even continue living in general, then whats the point in having me around?
I dont fucking want therapy from some person that doesnt even know who i am. How the fuck am i supposed to pretend that some stranger (that ive never known of before i hired them) knows who i am and knows that theres opportunities available to me to become happy and content with who i am when my own loved ones cant? How can anyone tell me that somethings going to make me happy? Fuck therapy.
My shoulders are clenching and i hate it when i fail to distract myself from the thoughts constantly running through my head. Im constantly finding new things to be interested in because im so quick to dismiss them after i rapidly grow tired of them. Im constantly cynical towards everything i participate in. Less and less things interest me and the things im interested in, im not passionate or confident in pursuing as a career. Im unemployed because i never leave the house and have too much anxiety to bare talking to anyone that i dont know personally. I shower and sleep in irregular patterns and have been for years. Theres been points in my life where neighborhoods will begin to be built in my local area and the next time i go out wont be til months later when theyre already finished being built. Entire seasons will pass. I usually never even know what day it is. Im a high school dropout. I dont know my father. Im named after my uncle that commited suicide around the time i was born and depression runs in my family. Ive had thoughts about suicide my entire life and i almost feel destined to do it. The few friends i have are all online and i cant bring myself to talk to anyone without them acknowledging me first and i think its simply due to how i never really think of being social with anyone in the first place. Im so used to not having friends in general. I cant bring myself to approach anyone irl or online. Its taking a lot to say any of this. I feel retarded for saying all of this. This comment is fucking retarded. Im not going to mention any other traits that make me into the human mutt that i am. I hate myself. Im sure other people have bigger problems that could lead them to commit suicide much more than i can, but my problems are real to me. Maybe other people are just stronger at handling their life. Im not. Im a fucking bitch and every day fucking sucks.
And, the shittiest part about all of this is that im too much of a fucking pussy to harm myself.
Ive always been scared of heights because im afraid ill throw myself off the edge as if some invisible force is pulling me towards it. Im scared of cutting or getting cut because my uncle commited suicide by cutting his neck open from side to side.. Every time i see peoples necks getting cut in media, i clench because i imagine it so vividly that i practically feel it happening. Yet, ive never cut myself. I want to so badly, but i cant.
Maybe there is an association dedicated to helping those with depression that could work for me and convince me to be a better person, but im not sure if i can picture it.
But, sometimes i like to think that life is like the movie Cast Away where your whole period of depression and all of the time spent dealing with your issues is like being stranded alone on a deserted island with no way out til youre thrown a life raft and you finally come across a ship sailing by that can rescue you. Any day something amazing could appear and magically fix everything. You never know that it couldnt because noone knows the future, right? And, even then, you shouldnt expect anything over night.
But, ive told myself that too many damn times. And, i feel like its never going to happen or its just a fairy tale for stronger people that are better at handling their issues than i am. I dont know.
Hopefully this adds to the discussion or something. Im sorry if its just me uselessly rambling. Im most likely deleting this soon anyways.