How can I stop my lack of trust from destroying our relationship?

I'm an observer in this sub and someone who struggles with severe trust issues. Because as someone who also struggles with forgiveness...I see the BS spouses in this place as goddamn role models. For that reason I never comment but maybe this may help;

Just like other people in life, I've have been betrayed as well and I always get stupidly pissed off. Like uncontrollable levels of anger. I tried a lot to deal with anger but it just wouldn't go away. The root cause of my anger was powerlessness. I felt helpless and the only way I felt to get that power back was to be angry. It didn't work. Until I realised giving helped me take back control. As in to be able to give, you need to be able to have said items to give, right?

I stopped viewing trust as something people earn but a gift I bestow. Viewing it as something people "earned" (which they a point) kept me in a "victim" mentality (which you rightfully are. You are the victim of betrayal and have every right to feel the way you do). Realising it as something I gifted people with helped me feel more in control. It's a conscious choice and a difficult one. Especially after you have been betrayed (and rightfully so). It is one you will continually have to make until it no longer becomes difficult to make that choice.

I mean, people give their trust to people who haven't earned it and people refuse their trust to people who try so hard to earn it. From what I've noticed since reading this sub. The betrayer needs to prove they are worthy of the trust. And the betrayed needs to give their trust after it has been earned. It isn't 100% on the betrayer. And it isn't 100% on the betrayed. It's 50(WS)/50(BS) well maybe like 25(BS)/75(WS), if I'm being honest.

Anyways that's my advice, take it with a grain of salt and it may not be that helpful but I do hope it helped. Good luck on your healing.

/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Thread