Maybe it's because I'm staring out the window of a plane, but I no longer feel angry at Kevin. I want him to be happy. I still really like him. I'm just sorry this all happened the way it did. It's not what he said and did that made me sad, it was the whole situation. Unfortunately we are very different people, fire and ice. We had a deep, intense connection, no matter how much we pretend otherwise. But we could never be together.

He needed unconditional love, someone to take his side regardless of whether he was right or wrong. But I couldn't be that person. I had my own demands for friends, my own expectations for behaviour, and I was too fragile to tolerate anything less, even if I could, on some level, understand why Kevin acts the way he does. I was too busy, and too preoccupied with my own recovery, to give Kevin the time and careful attention needed to understand him. I was too fooled by his superficial confidence to see the insecure and frightened child underneath, desperately craving attention.

His parents had an ugly divorce, his time in Indonesia as ethnic Chinese was difficult, he's a closeted homosexual with a dominant father, he was forced into a cutthroat business world when all he wanted was to study arts and be a kid. As a result, he had to reside inwards, put up this false self in order to protect himself. He derives self worth from his physical beauty and sexual conquests, unable to open himself up to something more, incapable of letting down the shield.

I can't get angry at him for saying hurtful things because I know he doesn't truly hate me, he simply must lash out as a way of protecting himself, and avoiding his untreated emotional wounds.

I hope he can find the help he needs. A good psychiatrist, a good friend. At this stage in my life I just don't think I can be that person. I'm still fragile, still recovering from my bipolar disorder. I don't have the strength to deal with Kevin, even if I love myself and know he does not mean it. When he blocked me, I felt the worst I ever felt in my life. I couldn't sleep, I had suicidal thoughts again, I would wake up dry heaving from all the anxiety. I felt a hatred that I have never felt in my life, try as I did to fight it. I could feel it destroying me from within, like a deadly poison. I don't ever want to feel that way again. Even if I spend hours rationalising and explaining his behaviour, the simple raw pain of his words stings. Even if I love Kevin, and care for him deeply, I must protect myself first.

I have regrets and questions. Did I really want to help him? Did I really give him the affection he needed? I never could commit because I never knew what he wanted, and I never knew what I wanted. It was all the result of unfortunate misunderstandings and miscommunications. The mixed messages, the bad timing, the two confused souls unsure what they want in life.

That connection was there; our time together is crystallised even as we go in different directions.

I wish we could be together. I will always remember him fondly. Although it ended badly, I did enjoy much of the time we spent together. Sadly we just cannot work. I don't have the mental resources to be the person he needs me to be. It makes me sad, but it's a rich kind of sadness - the type of sadness that teaches you important lessons and makes you a stronger, wiser person.

Philsoc Tuesday 12