A fellow on my social media just posted a (rather sarcastic, but not 100% wrong) guide on understanding how to handle a Superbowl Party.
Are you preparing for any upcoming Super Bowl parties? Do you know nothing about football? Well, I'm here to help you, so here's "A Guide to Faking it at a Superbowl Party"
Chapter 1: Understanding Key Players/Teams.
There are only two team names to remember, "Patrishits" and "Shithawks". Call them by these names. No one is actually a real fan of these teams, so when they look at you funny, just say "I'm mad my team didn't make it". If they press futher, say "Bears". If they go even further, pretend you're too into the game to hear them.
Only remember one player on each team "Brady" (Patrishit, throws the ball) and "Lynch" (Shithawk, runs the ball).
Chapter 2: What to yell.
You only need 3 bits of information here. If a ball is dropped, or a player fails to cross the yellow line on your TV screen, yell "C'MON!!!".
If Brady (before he throws) get's hit, yell "WHOOOO!"
If Lynch runs for a long time, yell "BEAST MODE".
Chapter 3: Halftime
Bring food and liquor.
Chapter 4: Beaking.
Despite reading chapter 1, and understanding no one actually likes either of these teams, know that people will pretend. Refer to them as "bandwagoners" the entire night. If they show you any football gear (jerseys, hats, etc) as a defense, simple respond "Looks new. Like it was purchased last week. Did you get it from Bandwagons R' You?"
Chapter 5: Sealing the Deal
The best way to really sell your knowledge of football is to insult the refs. Anytime they are explaining a penalty, just call them "blind."
Chapter 6: Extra Credit.
Did you memorize chapters 1 through 5? Then here's extra credit. If the Shithawks get up, loudly proclaim "I guess without deflated balls, the Patrishits can't win." If the Patrishits start winning, simply mention "I guess they've deflated the balls again".
Chapter 7: Winning at the Superbowl.
You're in the mix, you're excited to be there. But don't forget. You're here to eat food and joke around. So, if take some time to research individually, it's good to name drop other players.
Brady fails a pass, explain that Andrew Luck could have made it.
Lynch fails to run past the yellow line? You absolutely know Le'veon Bell would have.
That's it. Enjoy the game.