Yeah, I'm not having too many. One or two per hour. I'm just trying to manage, but like... I need help. I actually really regret talking my way out of the hospital. I really need help but I hate being there and once I'm inside I'll mask everything and present as a perfectly well-mannered professional who doesn't belong there at all.

Then I get out and I turn back into this. Every fucking time. I am not a perfectly well-mannered professional, I am an emotionally unbalanced unemployed addict lol. But I can tell a good story. And I get out every time. I nearly killed myself, I got scared with one. I saw a pulse in my blood flow. I got scared because the psychiatrist told me he'd get in trouble if I died. So I tourniqueted.

How long do I wait? A month and he's off the hook?

It's bad. I... I don't know, like I'm obviously not going today. I want to cab from here to there, that's the idea. Yesterday I woke up at 5PM. Today, I'm just not going.

I think I am acting for my own self. I don't know who I am. But I know I'm a fucking good actor. I can put on any personality you need. And I'm doing it to myself.

Sucks, it really does. I can't do this forever, but I can't talk about it. I literally just disappear behind some fake personality every single time.